I Became Hollow, an excerpt

I stare down at my plants growing in their little window box. Carefully, I begin to water the small green vines, their tiny leaves just beginning to unfold and greet the sunlight that feeds them daily. Hyunjae chuckles quietly.
"You've become completely absorbed in them. Everyone would laugh to see the great and mighty Kim Haneul babying those little green things as if they were his own children."
 I cast a glare in his direction.
 "They stick by me better than other people do." I whisper.
 "As if. I'm here, aren't I?"
 I ignore him. It's not as if he needs to be told how much he's failed me.
 "What are the others doing?"
 Hyunjae muses for a minute, tapping the table softly. He would have made a wonderful drummer, I think to myself, watching his fingernails, coated in chipped black paint, strike my countertop. It's really too bad he became a solo artist.
 "Jinsoo went into the army, like you. He's finished his mandatory service, but he's still not sure about his career. He seems to be very attached to the military. A part of me wonders...if he's having trouble coming out of it like you are."
 "Were. I'm better now," I answer defiantly, even though a huge part of me screams 'You aren't better and you never will be! Everything up until now, the leaving, the working, the pill-pushing, the crying...none of it worked and none of it ever will. You will never heal, you will die like this.'
 Hyunjae glances at me, "I'm sorry, Haneul, but you don't look better to me."
 I give him a quick glare, "enough about me. How is Minyoung?"
 "Minyoung became a lawyer."
 My eyes widen, and for a moment I forget my plants as I turn to Hyunjae, "Minyoung, a lawyer? But he was so-"
 "Involved in his career. I know. That's how I responded at first, but it's completely true. He's all books and laws and courtrooms now. It's very intimidating, honestly. Thankfully, he hasn't lost his smile."
 I think back to the dark writing inscribed on my back, "does he still have his tattoo? He didn't get it removed, did he?"
 Hyunjae laughs at me, but I feel a bit slighted. The memory of Minyoung, Changwoo, and I marching to a tattoo parlor on our first visit to Hawaii is still fresh in my memory. Our teenaged wrecklessness and childish dreams are still fresh, too, and I suffer a sad smile. Hyunjae catches it and rests a hand on my back, suddenly giving the hair that falls on my shirt collar an affectionate ruffle. I expect him to hug me, but he doesn't, instead patting the place on my back where the hopeful words are inked into my flesh.
 "He still has it since it doesn't show under his work clothing. Tell me, do you ever regret it?"
 I sigh softly, "sometimes. It's strange to think of...hyung with this tattoo..." I can't finish my sentence. I don't know how to say it.
 "In the grave? I can only imagine," Hyunjae sighs quietly, "but, Haneul...that's just Changwoo's-"
 "Body, I know," I rush out, turning back to my plants. Hyunjae's hand on my back suddenly feels hot and sweaty. My skin prickles and my shoulders tense; I want him to stop touching me now. Every time I see him, our conversation slowly turns itself into a miniature counselling session, and I hate it.

I Became Hollow