The last rays of December sunlight
Are kissing your beautiful face
I wish you would stay a bit longer
As I wish the winter sun didn't set so early.
-Argentia Krystofel
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Europa
You can't stop anyone from loving Europa
Astronomer gazing at her fragile surface
Her flawed beauty, her cracking elegance
Won't you try to find Europa?
He has made the several thousand observations
Each and every calculation has added up
Beneath ice and snow there is an ocean, he's certain
Won't you try to see Europa?
In the piercing sunlight her frozen face glitters
Quiet and unchanging, so superficial
In exasperation he determines this is his fate
Won't you try to meet Europa?
In this vast and dark universe, she is so pale and alone
Deep beneath the surface, she sleeps
His efforts are noble, but if the ending is painful
Won't you try to know Europa?
Dedicated to chance connections.
Sincerely,
-A.K.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Late
Your cold form trembled in the frigid blue air
But I made your eyes fill with silver fire
I ask her; do his eyes always twinkle so beautifully?
Like burning winter starlight, breathtaking, and so far away
The sunset, premature and quiet, has arrived alone
And the raw air claws at us; it tries to consume us
In this deserted world of empty souls
Your eyes are warmer than the long forgotten summer.
-A.K.
But I made your eyes fill with silver fire
I ask her; do his eyes always twinkle so beautifully?
Like burning winter starlight, breathtaking, and so far away
The sunset, premature and quiet, has arrived alone
And the raw air claws at us; it tries to consume us
In this deserted world of empty souls
Your eyes are warmer than the long forgotten summer.
-A.K.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I turned nineteen a few days ago...
I turned nineteen a few days ago. It's the first birthday in a long time that I have spent feeling happy and not cried or some such thing. As evidenced by other posts on this blog, in the past few years I have gotten into a cycle of having a miniature midlife crisis before my birthday, but for some reason this year I have just developed a post-birthday shut down.
It could just be my seasonal depression coming back, but I can't help but feel like the proximity to my birthday has something to do with it.
It hit me today that so much has changed about me since I began the journey of this year of life. Normally, on my birthday, I spend some amount of time thinking back to the many years previous, but today I contemplated this past year in particular.
I distinctly remember desperately and yet reluctantly wanting to be eighteen. Publicly I told my friends and family that I was very excited to be eighteen, but I don't remember if I actually was. To add to that, I do not remember at all how my actual birthday went last year. It's a fuzzy blur of many birthdays past, so I hope I will be forgiven for forgetting everything except for the birthday wishes I received on Facebook.
But yes, anyway, I wanted to be eighteen, despite what extra responsibilities could be and inevitably would be attached to that age, since I would be a legal adult in the United States, and that was a big deal for me.
I believe I was seeking the approval of others, or some kind of acceptance. I'm not even sure about my motivations now that it's been a year.
At any rate, I should have known that turning eighteen was a whole package. The past year of my life, looking back, has been one of the most emotionally draining I have ever experienced.
I became so incredibly depressed during that winter and I still slip into bouts of depression today. Friends I considered "not on such good terms" back then do not even speak to me now, as expected. Yet, between two people who once flirted with the idea of love, only terse words, thinly glossed with the ambiguity of internet communication, are exchanged, and yes, it makes no sense why. I traveled to Korea again, an experience that was both exhilarating and challenging, as many relationships changed and evolved while I was there and gone from home. So many of my perspectives were questioned during that trip; concepts such as age differences, affections, love, independence, intelligence, tolerance, and race were all thrown at me from so many angles. Now that I'm at U.Va, I continue to be brought to ponder my stance on these things, and it can be difficult to understand what my answers are, or how they might change with the next experience (don't worry, I still plan on being a conservative when I graduate, guys ;)). When I arrived home, my parents went on a trip to Europe, and I was to take care of my younger siblings. I received a lot of help, but realizing that it was harder than anticipated and I was totally incapable of looking after them on my own made me question my earlier assumptions about readiness for certain things in life.
Not the way to start your first semester of university. Not the way to deal with a relationship crumbling before your eyes for no apparent reason. Not the way to end the third quarter of your first "step" of adulthood.
In the end, I survived the last leg of eighteen, though I went through many phases of indecision, fear, and excitement to get to where I am now. I can only hope this year will be less demanding of my emotional energies, but I don't really know. In the past two days of being nineteen, I've felt the roller coaster ride still rumbling on in the back of my mind, completely immune to my deep desire for some consistency in my emotional state.
Hence, I'm trying to stay off of Facebook. I have four assignments due before Thanksgiving Break, and that's a lot. The negativity on social networks is overwhelming and the amount of time wasted through such networks is mind-blowing.
So, in order to NOT feel like I am forever alone without a boyfriend (because you guys never know how much you want one until you've almost had one and he's gone, trust me), the world is going to smithereens (because Facebook trending and my dad practically tell me the same thing when I get online-feminists are crazy, more people are dying in mass genocides, and no one knows how to properly spend their invisible money), and that media is the only answer (because DramaFever's page pops up in my feed and tells me that YES, the face of that Korean beauty is the DEFINITE ANSWER to my next homework question! Wait, what?) I am staying off of Facebook.
Enjoy your next birthday, everyone. Don't be like me and get depressed, and then dump all of your problems on the few readers of your blog.
Off to get that Linguistics degree,
-Argentia Krystofel
It could just be my seasonal depression coming back, but I can't help but feel like the proximity to my birthday has something to do with it.
It hit me today that so much has changed about me since I began the journey of this year of life. Normally, on my birthday, I spend some amount of time thinking back to the many years previous, but today I contemplated this past year in particular.
I distinctly remember desperately and yet reluctantly wanting to be eighteen. Publicly I told my friends and family that I was very excited to be eighteen, but I don't remember if I actually was. To add to that, I do not remember at all how my actual birthday went last year. It's a fuzzy blur of many birthdays past, so I hope I will be forgiven for forgetting everything except for the birthday wishes I received on Facebook.
But yes, anyway, I wanted to be eighteen, despite what extra responsibilities could be and inevitably would be attached to that age, since I would be a legal adult in the United States, and that was a big deal for me.
I believe I was seeking the approval of others, or some kind of acceptance. I'm not even sure about my motivations now that it's been a year.
At any rate, I should have known that turning eighteen was a whole package. The past year of my life, looking back, has been one of the most emotionally draining I have ever experienced.
I became so incredibly depressed during that winter and I still slip into bouts of depression today. Friends I considered "not on such good terms" back then do not even speak to me now, as expected. Yet, between two people who once flirted with the idea of love, only terse words, thinly glossed with the ambiguity of internet communication, are exchanged, and yes, it makes no sense why. I traveled to Korea again, an experience that was both exhilarating and challenging, as many relationships changed and evolved while I was there and gone from home. So many of my perspectives were questioned during that trip; concepts such as age differences, affections, love, independence, intelligence, tolerance, and race were all thrown at me from so many angles. Now that I'm at U.Va, I continue to be brought to ponder my stance on these things, and it can be difficult to understand what my answers are, or how they might change with the next experience (don't worry, I still plan on being a conservative when I graduate, guys ;)). When I arrived home, my parents went on a trip to Europe, and I was to take care of my younger siblings. I received a lot of help, but realizing that it was harder than anticipated and I was totally incapable of looking after them on my own made me question my earlier assumptions about readiness for certain things in life.
Not the way to start your first semester of university. Not the way to deal with a relationship crumbling before your eyes for no apparent reason. Not the way to end the third quarter of your first "step" of adulthood.
In the end, I survived the last leg of eighteen, though I went through many phases of indecision, fear, and excitement to get to where I am now. I can only hope this year will be less demanding of my emotional energies, but I don't really know. In the past two days of being nineteen, I've felt the roller coaster ride still rumbling on in the back of my mind, completely immune to my deep desire for some consistency in my emotional state.
Hence, I'm trying to stay off of Facebook. I have four assignments due before Thanksgiving Break, and that's a lot. The negativity on social networks is overwhelming and the amount of time wasted through such networks is mind-blowing.
So, in order to NOT feel like I am forever alone without a boyfriend (because you guys never know how much you want one until you've almost had one and he's gone, trust me), the world is going to smithereens (because Facebook trending and my dad practically tell me the same thing when I get online-feminists are crazy, more people are dying in mass genocides, and no one knows how to properly spend their invisible money), and that media is the only answer (because DramaFever's page pops up in my feed and tells me that YES, the face of that Korean beauty is the DEFINITE ANSWER to my next homework question! Wait, what?) I am staying off of Facebook.
Enjoy your next birthday, everyone. Don't be like me and get depressed, and then dump all of your problems on the few readers of your blog.
Off to get that Linguistics degree,
-Argentia Krystofel
Saturday, November 15, 2014
To Someone I Don't Know Well
Oh, and you've probably got everything
That's what I think as I glance at you again
From the corner of my shy eyes
But it probably doesn't mean anything
Or so I tell myself as I shift my feet again
Try to shut my nervous words away
Somehow in one of your mystical ways
You've made my face flush like a frosty rose
Warming slowly from the inside like this
Even so, it will not matter in just a few days
You can be a pleasant, bright autumn memory
In that way, I set out to preserve your bliss
Reactions are so easily misinterpreted
And every word from your mouth is sweetened with honey
If I could only stand in that moment a bit longer
Thank you, finally the fog has lifted
I can see the sun shining overhead, the day is so beautiful
The blood in my veins feels alive, I am stronger
-Argentia
That's what I think as I glance at you again
From the corner of my shy eyes
But it probably doesn't mean anything
Or so I tell myself as I shift my feet again
Try to shut my nervous words away
Somehow in one of your mystical ways
You've made my face flush like a frosty rose
Warming slowly from the inside like this
Even so, it will not matter in just a few days
You can be a pleasant, bright autumn memory
In that way, I set out to preserve your bliss
Reactions are so easily misinterpreted
And every word from your mouth is sweetened with honey
If I could only stand in that moment a bit longer
Thank you, finally the fog has lifted
I can see the sun shining overhead, the day is so beautiful
The blood in my veins feels alive, I am stronger
-Argentia
Monday, November 10, 2014
Time Lapse
Ah, from this side, yes, that angle
Your face looks so good these days
Have you changed something?
Your style is nicer than before
Like you feel relieved about something
Hm, you should've done this earlier
Or are you growing out your hair?
Yes, perhaps that's it, the gentle waves
In that free-flying fashion, so reminiscent
Well, anyways, that's how it is
A biased observer says you must be well
Actually, better than was expected.
-A.K.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
힐링 (Healing)
But there is yesterday, when he is far away, and I'm sitting in the warm library listening to Andrea Bocelli, and his sweetness to me is like the sweet lemon green tea I'm drinking. The spring sunlight, reflecting across the walls and all of the books in the room, dances about in a game of hide and seek. A game like the one he plays, coming around sometimes to dance across my heart as if it is the golden title of one of those bound books.
Oh, yes, there is yesterday, when I am bent over my desk in the deepness of the late April night, window cracked slightly. The scent of blooming flowers from the garden below drifts in with the soft breeze; and I imagine this is the kind of softness his cheek must feel like. I have unearthed my art, so long forgotten in the push and pull, drag and drain of this world, and steadily I sketch, cut, paste, color, whilst a beloved indie song whispers in the background. I smile, filling with warmth as the future glimmers in the distance, and I think, for that instant, I connect with him in some way.
Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, when the muggy May morning dawns gray and bleak like the expression I had when I heard that news. I almost cried, and avoided the thought; a day when the smallest flicker of hope was put out by the pouring rain of "it can't be helped". All of the celebratory congratulations seem quite misplaced when I consider this, his fate.
Yesterday's noisy night, spent in one place, watching the empty black sky, and listening to his slowing breath and slurring words as he gently dozes off, the early to bed, early to rise type. In a startled moment he murmurs foreign words and I wonder what he has said to my voice awakening him. Drunk on the sadness, frustration, confusion, my lips form words, but I cannot remember all that I said. An impulsive venture, a gamble, filled with the type of honesty that is felt only on the windowsill of the cardiac ward at two in the morning. The kind of heartbeat that races and slows with conviction.
And that was yesterday.
Oh, yes, there is yesterday, when I am bent over my desk in the deepness of the late April night, window cracked slightly. The scent of blooming flowers from the garden below drifts in with the soft breeze; and I imagine this is the kind of softness his cheek must feel like. I have unearthed my art, so long forgotten in the push and pull, drag and drain of this world, and steadily I sketch, cut, paste, color, whilst a beloved indie song whispers in the background. I smile, filling with warmth as the future glimmers in the distance, and I think, for that instant, I connect with him in some way.
Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, when the muggy May morning dawns gray and bleak like the expression I had when I heard that news. I almost cried, and avoided the thought; a day when the smallest flicker of hope was put out by the pouring rain of "it can't be helped". All of the celebratory congratulations seem quite misplaced when I consider this, his fate.
Yesterday's noisy night, spent in one place, watching the empty black sky, and listening to his slowing breath and slurring words as he gently dozes off, the early to bed, early to rise type. In a startled moment he murmurs foreign words and I wonder what he has said to my voice awakening him. Drunk on the sadness, frustration, confusion, my lips form words, but I cannot remember all that I said. An impulsive venture, a gamble, filled with the type of honesty that is felt only on the windowsill of the cardiac ward at two in the morning. The kind of heartbeat that races and slows with conviction.
And that was yesterday.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Untitled #8
Synth-filled tracks with their deep, thundering beat
A chilly black night and a frozen heart to re-heat
That familiar smell, those pretty words permeate
Vodka burns, possibilities abound, thoughts deviate
Flat lands, winter weather, the frozen city, plains
The light of dawn, strange words, the cross, new names
Too many politics, oh, the rap music, and the swears
But we question: does it all matter when someone cares?
Nights of summer, I returned to them in memory
And to this day, I only see you, there with me
Through all of the gray smoke, your gray shirt
Oh, if our eyes meet, would you pick me first?
Mixed music every night to help me sleep
Sometimes I'd smile, sometimes I'd weep
Act, sing, laugh, dream, do it all while you still can
In the time warp I warn you, oh, ghost of this man
You're twenty-four years old and you live in paradise
And one day, you'll lose it all when you roll the future's dice.
-Argentia
A chilly black night and a frozen heart to re-heat
That familiar smell, those pretty words permeate
Vodka burns, possibilities abound, thoughts deviate
Flat lands, winter weather, the frozen city, plains
The light of dawn, strange words, the cross, new names
Too many politics, oh, the rap music, and the swears
But we question: does it all matter when someone cares?
Nights of summer, I returned to them in memory
And to this day, I only see you, there with me
Through all of the gray smoke, your gray shirt
Oh, if our eyes meet, would you pick me first?
Mixed music every night to help me sleep
Sometimes I'd smile, sometimes I'd weep
Act, sing, laugh, dream, do it all while you still can
In the time warp I warn you, oh, ghost of this man
You're twenty-four years old and you live in paradise
And one day, you'll lose it all when you roll the future's dice.
-Argentia
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
To The Ghost
This is to you, the ghost.
Yes, I said you, oh ghost. This is to you, who has haunted me with your precious, childlike face; warm and quiet, drifting about in my memory like the sea foam which floats in and out from the shore.
This is to you, and your gentle eyes, blinking, crying, sighing, searching, yearning, loving, laughing, and burning, and so, so, so incredibly alive. This is to you, and your soft mouth, held tight, then trembling slightly, then opening in a cry for that which you so desperately seek to find.
Yes, this is to you, searcher. This is to you, dreamer. This is to you, lost, angry, sad, confused, uncertain child, covered in a blanket for a body, which hides you from the eminent storms around you.
This is to you, who was truly something. This is to your intangible form, kissed by mist, drifting through the darkness, searching for that place again. This is to the perpetual smile plastered on that doll-like face, when basted in rouge and lined in coal black, and the twin beacons of light which reach out across the horizon and grace everything they settle upon with a feeling of wonder.
Yes, this is to the ghost, who alone has lived and grown. The ghost, who, adapting to that loneliness, continues to burrow deeply into his soul, hiding away in fear. To the ghost, who, seeing the light, reaches out, and whose fingertips only meet the chill steel of his self-made prison. The ghost who watches from deep inside, flickering like a dying flame in his dark eyes.
Please don't give up.
I know you have no guidance. You're alone. You're not sure what the future holds.
Ghost, it's all valuable; your idealism, your youth, your starry skies. Don't allow yourself to be packed up in a box and slipped into a dark corner, never to be heard or recognized again. It won't end well.
Don't ever let him forget that you are a part of him.
Don't ever settle for being just a ghost.
-The Hopeful Believer
Yes, I said you, oh ghost. This is to you, who has haunted me with your precious, childlike face; warm and quiet, drifting about in my memory like the sea foam which floats in and out from the shore.
This is to you, and your gentle eyes, blinking, crying, sighing, searching, yearning, loving, laughing, and burning, and so, so, so incredibly alive. This is to you, and your soft mouth, held tight, then trembling slightly, then opening in a cry for that which you so desperately seek to find.
Yes, this is to you, searcher. This is to you, dreamer. This is to you, lost, angry, sad, confused, uncertain child, covered in a blanket for a body, which hides you from the eminent storms around you.
This is to you, who was truly something. This is to your intangible form, kissed by mist, drifting through the darkness, searching for that place again. This is to the perpetual smile plastered on that doll-like face, when basted in rouge and lined in coal black, and the twin beacons of light which reach out across the horizon and grace everything they settle upon with a feeling of wonder.
Yes, this is to the ghost, who alone has lived and grown. The ghost, who, adapting to that loneliness, continues to burrow deeply into his soul, hiding away in fear. To the ghost, who, seeing the light, reaches out, and whose fingertips only meet the chill steel of his self-made prison. The ghost who watches from deep inside, flickering like a dying flame in his dark eyes.
Please don't give up.
I know you have no guidance. You're alone. You're not sure what the future holds.
Ghost, it's all valuable; your idealism, your youth, your starry skies. Don't allow yourself to be packed up in a box and slipped into a dark corner, never to be heard or recognized again. It won't end well.
Don't ever let him forget that you are a part of him.
Don't ever settle for being just a ghost.
-The Hopeful Believer
Saturday, October 25, 2014
He
He smiled at me with his eyes
His mouth opened to explain
"I wish it could be that no one cries,"
Especially you?
He said things he really meant
His face changed with time
"You know, these days I feel really spent,"
Especially with me?
He tried and found a way to fly
His eyes were those dark bright ones
"I would value it if you would at least try,"
Especially for you?
-Argentia Krystofel
His mouth opened to explain
"I wish it could be that no one cries,"
Especially you?
He said things he really meant
His face changed with time
"You know, these days I feel really spent,"
Especially with me?
He tried and found a way to fly
His eyes were those dark bright ones
"I would value it if you would at least try,"
Especially for you?
-Argentia Krystofel
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
In Which I Miss Home
I miss home more today than I did on any of my Seoul adventures. I can't focus much these days and I have frequent headaches, which is started to become very frustrating. I'm bad at time management, and so I drew up a schedule yesterday....watch me ruin that schedule today by sleeping in this morning.
So right now I'm drinking coffee-yes, coffee at 4 PM because I am developing caffeine addiction. :( I'm going to try to go off of it soon, but if I miss it in the morning I have a migraine all day (probably the source of the frequent headaches). Sure enough, now that I have my coffee fix, my migraine is subsiding. I would rather have a glass of wine every evening than a cup of coffee every morning, but I happen to live in the country with the most convoluted drug and alcohol laws known to man.
Anyway, I miss home. I miss eating mom's food, sitting around and talking with them in person, and doing other things like baking and crafts with the kids. I'm not a very good older sister and hardly regular in when I spend time with them, but having been away for this long I am definitely feeling it.
I miss baking at home. In fact, I'm starting to believe it is college students, children, and the elderly who keep holidays alive, mostly because all three of us like unhealthy home cooked sweets.
Actually I just want to try out some new rice flour recipes without having to go to the store and find small sizes of everything-I mean, where do you get an 'individual size' jar of cocoa powder? *raises eyebrow*
I also miss being able to walk around my house in whatever and not feel judged. Or even embarrassed. I'm not so brazen as to run around half naked in my house with three brothers, but I can still wear a gown and not feel scandalous. It's kind of hard to go get water from the common areas in the middle of the night in a gown here. It's actually impossible. =P So I must prepare by getting all that I will need *before* my shower. Wait, me prepare something? Are you crazy?
I also want to finish my game of Civilization III with my brother, and I would actually like to get caught up on Legend of Korra so I can talk with my other brother about that (and hopefully not insult his favorite TV show, as I've been known to do in the past).
Not to mention my youngest two siblings. Simon and Lillian can be annoying sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I love doing things with them. Simon is a little judgmental and he is definitely an old man in a child's body, but he knows more about animals than I would ever dream of knowing and he has his own creative side in regards to him. Even more interesting about him is that he has an adventurous side-take him where the animals are, it doesn't matter how far he must go to get there! This has caused him to develop and interest in Alaska and Australia. Lillian talks way too much and she can be overly emotional, but she's so creative and the most positive person I know. She also has an interest in things from Asia, so we can wreak havoc in our household meals with that common obsession. XD I also want to do makeovers with her again. And I wish I could do something fun with Simon, despite the fact that when I left for college he said 'good riddance'. ;)
Personally I've been suffering through something else since I came here, too. This blog is not so anonymous that I want to specifically put the details out here, but I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and total indecision. The worst part is nothing can actually be done about the issue now, or even in the near future. I'm just worrying and wishing and wondering for no reason at all except that it upsets me! Ah, the typical me behavior-a bump on a log with too much time to think and nothing at all to be done. I definitely have myself to blame for this paradoxical thought process; rather than getting out, or studying, reading a book, writing, drawing, anything else, I just choose to listen to music, stare at walls, and think. And think, think, think. This could be my idealism, but it seems like when I am at home I tend to, either by choice or by my mother's prodding, be more focused on dealing with things that upset me. I think I'm depressed, the environment being new and all, and so I'm not sure what to do with myself.
I recently noticed I have this habit-at home if I felt distressed or indecisive, or I was over-thinking something, I would go on a walk-the park or the factory down the street, or to Walmart.
When I was in Seoul, if I felt that way, I would just go to the Han River, or take a walk down Yonsei-ro. I'm not kidding; I did the same thing there as here; finding a place to go and going there is my therapy.
But I haven't found a nice place or way to do that here. :/
Anyway, I have digressed and now need to do readings. Overall I know I'll be alright; I just need some better time management, to halt my paradoxical thought process over something I cannot change, and to turn all of that energy into something productive.
So off I will go, still missing home but trying to make do with what I have.
-Argentia
So right now I'm drinking coffee-yes, coffee at 4 PM because I am developing caffeine addiction. :( I'm going to try to go off of it soon, but if I miss it in the morning I have a migraine all day (probably the source of the frequent headaches). Sure enough, now that I have my coffee fix, my migraine is subsiding. I would rather have a glass of wine every evening than a cup of coffee every morning, but I happen to live in the country with the most convoluted drug and alcohol laws known to man.
Anyway, I miss home. I miss eating mom's food, sitting around and talking with them in person, and doing other things like baking and crafts with the kids. I'm not a very good older sister and hardly regular in when I spend time with them, but having been away for this long I am definitely feeling it.
I miss baking at home. In fact, I'm starting to believe it is college students, children, and the elderly who keep holidays alive, mostly because all three of us like unhealthy home cooked sweets.
Actually I just want to try out some new rice flour recipes without having to go to the store and find small sizes of everything-I mean, where do you get an 'individual size' jar of cocoa powder? *raises eyebrow*
I also miss being able to walk around my house in whatever and not feel judged. Or even embarrassed. I'm not so brazen as to run around half naked in my house with three brothers, but I can still wear a gown and not feel scandalous. It's kind of hard to go get water from the common areas in the middle of the night in a gown here. It's actually impossible. =P So I must prepare by getting all that I will need *before* my shower. Wait, me prepare something? Are you crazy?
I also want to finish my game of Civilization III with my brother, and I would actually like to get caught up on Legend of Korra so I can talk with my other brother about that (and hopefully not insult his favorite TV show, as I've been known to do in the past).
Not to mention my youngest two siblings. Simon and Lillian can be annoying sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I love doing things with them. Simon is a little judgmental and he is definitely an old man in a child's body, but he knows more about animals than I would ever dream of knowing and he has his own creative side in regards to him. Even more interesting about him is that he has an adventurous side-take him where the animals are, it doesn't matter how far he must go to get there! This has caused him to develop and interest in Alaska and Australia. Lillian talks way too much and she can be overly emotional, but she's so creative and the most positive person I know. She also has an interest in things from Asia, so we can wreak havoc in our household meals with that common obsession. XD I also want to do makeovers with her again. And I wish I could do something fun with Simon, despite the fact that when I left for college he said 'good riddance'. ;)
Personally I've been suffering through something else since I came here, too. This blog is not so anonymous that I want to specifically put the details out here, but I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and total indecision. The worst part is nothing can actually be done about the issue now, or even in the near future. I'm just worrying and wishing and wondering for no reason at all except that it upsets me! Ah, the typical me behavior-a bump on a log with too much time to think and nothing at all to be done. I definitely have myself to blame for this paradoxical thought process; rather than getting out, or studying, reading a book, writing, drawing, anything else, I just choose to listen to music, stare at walls, and think. And think, think, think. This could be my idealism, but it seems like when I am at home I tend to, either by choice or by my mother's prodding, be more focused on dealing with things that upset me. I think I'm depressed, the environment being new and all, and so I'm not sure what to do with myself.
I recently noticed I have this habit-at home if I felt distressed or indecisive, or I was over-thinking something, I would go on a walk-the park or the factory down the street, or to Walmart.
When I was in Seoul, if I felt that way, I would just go to the Han River, or take a walk down Yonsei-ro. I'm not kidding; I did the same thing there as here; finding a place to go and going there is my therapy.
But I haven't found a nice place or way to do that here. :/
Anyway, I have digressed and now need to do readings. Overall I know I'll be alright; I just need some better time management, to halt my paradoxical thought process over something I cannot change, and to turn all of that energy into something productive.
So off I will go, still missing home but trying to make do with what I have.
-Argentia
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Good and Bad of Recently (and U.Va in general)
Mostly small and insignificant annoyances and delights that I've encountered while studying here.
So annoying I want to pull out my hair:
1. I hate jeggings/leggings/yoga pants by themselves. I have seen enough butt here to account for a lifetime of butts.
2. I'm learning in Linguistics about language change and how it occurs.
My hunch is that in 100 years, f****** is going to find it's place after the word 'a' in statements like "Oh my gosh, you have such a cute cat!" But of course, that's just a guess, I mean, it's not like I don't have the total change of what counts as appropriate language in the last twenty years as an example, NOOOOOOO (so that's slightly exaggerated-I actually do believe, however, that f*** will eventually lose it's highly negative connotations and become something like "that sucks", which used to have sexual connotations but is now said by seven-year-olds).
3. (from August) I hate short shorts, or as I will now call them, butt shorts. Ladies. As I walk up the stairs behind you, I can see the cheeks of your sweaty, dirty, summertime butts. I don't want to see a stinky butt and then your face and while thanking you for holding the door open for me, all I can think about is your gross butt. Put some real pants on.
4. (from Saturday) Parties are so dumb. Last night I saw three people grinding on each other drunkenly in the parking lot below us, and a woman behind them was throwing her arms out screaming 'I'm a starrrrrr~~~!!!' at the top of her lungs. If you are one of these random drunken people who did this last night and are reading this post, first- wow, I'm surprised you remember it, and second- wow, I'm really sorry you have to remember doing something that inane.
5. I don't understand overly dramatic people.
6. I hate wearing gym clothes all of the time and I'm in rejection of it until I get sick. Seriously, if I wore gym pants to class I would want a mask to cover my face.
7. Sometimes, I wish social issues like race and religion would disappear. They make being an adult too difficult.
8. There is nothing like the feeling of waking up without enough sleep and then not getting your coffee. Caffeine addiction is real and miserable, and it gives you a migraine.
9. Charlottesville doesn't have good public transportation, honestly. Seoul was better (said for the 4 millionth time, because they insist that I am not allowed to say this about things, since I "don't really know that about Seoul". I guess cumulative days on the subway and bus do not count).
10. Do not pack for college/university like you are packing for a foreign country or airplane. You may have everything you need, but everything you want will elude you.
Make me happy enough to go around grounds smiling like an idiot:
1. I have fallen in love with the historical aspect of this university and love all of the old buildings and the beautiful Lawn and Range.
2. I think I will survive through getting my Linguistics degree (maybe)!
3. Shea House is full of so many interesting people. I approve of this mix of interesting.
4. My Astronomy class is kind of kicking my butt, but I don't dislike our professor so that's okay.
5. I really like coffee now.
6. The autumn colors and leaves are so pretty. The crisp air, the bright sun...the chilly evening, with pouring rain...the weather here is just lovely, but I particularly like the rainy evenings. I often wish I had somewhere to go on the rainy evening, but that would mean I need to get a social life, and as I am just trying to get adjusted and make good grades, I think I'll take that slowly.
7. I liked the quietness of Reading Days and will appreciate the next one.
8. I actually feel artistically inspired these days which is a bit disturbing, since I don't think of myself as an artist and don't expect to pursue art at all. But there are so many creative people here, I almost feel like I'm pretending to be creative and being a copycat! O.o
9. Watching Korean drama is actually the single most relaxing and exciting thing I do these days. When I get the chance to watch a little Mary Stayed Out All Night...ahhh that's nice. Just me alone in my room all scrunched up in a ball doing nothing. <3>
10. Watching people here can be one of the most enjoyable things ever next to Korean dramas . Today I saw this sweet Japanese couple walking together at Barracks Shopping Mall. I think they were married because I saw a ring on her finger, but anyway, she was admiring some clothes in a boutique storefront and he clearly began to pick on her about wanting them, nudging her repeatedly. Soon it became a game to him as she continued to react, and eventually hit him, at which point he burst into laughter. She soon joined in and they entered the store in giggles. It was so adorable.
And that's recently.
-Argentia Krystofel
So annoying I want to pull out my hair:
1. I hate jeggings/leggings/yoga pants by themselves. I have seen enough butt here to account for a lifetime of butts.
2. I'm learning in Linguistics about language change and how it occurs.
My hunch is that in 100 years, f****** is going to find it's place after the word 'a' in statements like "Oh my gosh, you have such a cute cat!" But of course, that's just a guess, I mean, it's not like I don't have the total change of what counts as appropriate language in the last twenty years as an example, NOOOOOOO (so that's slightly exaggerated-I actually do believe, however, that f*** will eventually lose it's highly negative connotations and become something like "that sucks", which used to have sexual connotations but is now said by seven-year-olds).
3. (from August) I hate short shorts, or as I will now call them, butt shorts. Ladies. As I walk up the stairs behind you, I can see the cheeks of your sweaty, dirty, summertime butts. I don't want to see a stinky butt and then your face and while thanking you for holding the door open for me, all I can think about is your gross butt. Put some real pants on.
4. (from Saturday) Parties are so dumb. Last night I saw three people grinding on each other drunkenly in the parking lot below us, and a woman behind them was throwing her arms out screaming 'I'm a starrrrrr~~~!!!' at the top of her lungs. If you are one of these random drunken people who did this last night and are reading this post, first- wow, I'm surprised you remember it, and second- wow, I'm really sorry you have to remember doing something that inane.
5. I don't understand overly dramatic people.
6. I hate wearing gym clothes all of the time and I'm in rejection of it until I get sick. Seriously, if I wore gym pants to class I would want a mask to cover my face.
7. Sometimes, I wish social issues like race and religion would disappear. They make being an adult too difficult.
8. There is nothing like the feeling of waking up without enough sleep and then not getting your coffee. Caffeine addiction is real and miserable, and it gives you a migraine.
9. Charlottesville doesn't have good public transportation, honestly. Seoul was better (said for the 4 millionth time, because they insist that I am not allowed to say this about things, since I "don't really know that about Seoul". I guess cumulative days on the subway and bus do not count).
10. Do not pack for college/university like you are packing for a foreign country or airplane. You may have everything you need, but everything you want will elude you.
Make me happy enough to go around grounds smiling like an idiot:
1. I have fallen in love with the historical aspect of this university and love all of the old buildings and the beautiful Lawn and Range.
2. I think I will survive through getting my Linguistics degree (maybe)!
3. Shea House is full of so many interesting people. I approve of this mix of interesting.
4. My Astronomy class is kind of kicking my butt, but I don't dislike our professor so that's okay.
5. I really like coffee now.
6. The autumn colors and leaves are so pretty. The crisp air, the bright sun...the chilly evening, with pouring rain...the weather here is just lovely, but I particularly like the rainy evenings. I often wish I had somewhere to go on the rainy evening, but that would mean I need to get a social life, and as I am just trying to get adjusted and make good grades, I think I'll take that slowly.
7. I liked the quietness of Reading Days and will appreciate the next one.
8. I actually feel artistically inspired these days which is a bit disturbing, since I don't think of myself as an artist and don't expect to pursue art at all. But there are so many creative people here, I almost feel like I'm pretending to be creative and being a copycat! O.o
9. Watching Korean drama is actually the single most relaxing and exciting thing I do these days. When I get the chance to watch a little Mary Stayed Out All Night...ahhh that's nice. Just me alone in my room all scrunched up in a ball doing nothing. <3>
10. Watching people here can be one of the most enjoyable things ever next to Korean dramas . Today I saw this sweet Japanese couple walking together at Barracks Shopping Mall. I think they were married because I saw a ring on her finger, but anyway, she was admiring some clothes in a boutique storefront and he clearly began to pick on her about wanting them, nudging her repeatedly. Soon it became a game to him as she continued to react, and eventually hit him, at which point he burst into laughter. She soon joined in and they entered the store in giggles. It was so adorable.
And that's recently.
-Argentia Krystofel
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Gray Days
Tears put to waste pretty makeup
So I shan't cry again today, not today
But my heart will ache
Deep in my chest, it hurts for no reason
Today is another dreary day, just clouds
Always prepared, ready for rain, or chill
Not for you again
Next time it's cold, don't go outside
When waking up from this gray dream
Silent window reflections, kept in boxes
Hidden away, let's stop
What has happened is too much to erase now.
"어느새 날 잡지 않은 너의 두 손은
텅 빈 주머니 속에 고이 묻힌 채
나를 바라보며 웃던 너의 모습도
이제 낡은 내 지갑 속 낡은 사진 속"
"One day you stopped holding onto me
And your two hands are buried deep in your empty pockets
Even your face that used to smile at me
Is only an old photograph in my old wallet" ---"Hands in the Pocket", Dr. Gong's Orgel
-Argentia Krystofel
So I shan't cry again today, not today
But my heart will ache
Deep in my chest, it hurts for no reason
Today is another dreary day, just clouds
Always prepared, ready for rain, or chill
Not for you again
Next time it's cold, don't go outside
When waking up from this gray dream
Silent window reflections, kept in boxes
Hidden away, let's stop
What has happened is too much to erase now.
"어느새 날 잡지 않은 너의 두 손은
텅 빈 주머니 속에 고이 묻힌 채
나를 바라보며 웃던 너의 모습도
이제 낡은 내 지갑 속 낡은 사진 속"
"One day you stopped holding onto me
And your two hands are buried deep in your empty pockets
Even your face that used to smile at me
Is only an old photograph in my old wallet" ---"Hands in the Pocket", Dr. Gong's Orgel
-Argentia Krystofel
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Aurora, Chasing
To the North we will go
Have you ever seen the sky like that?
The ground frozen before us
Let's see the sky like that
When the sun rises crystal clear
In the horizon of the Northern Sky
Like birds we fly to our places
Through the crisp, empty sky
Let's drive on a long, flat road till sunset
It's my new dream, that sky, those lights
At the end of the day, we'll arrive there
North country, Northern night, Northern lights
-Argentia Krystofel
Have you ever seen the sky like that?
The ground frozen before us
Let's see the sky like that
When the sun rises crystal clear
In the horizon of the Northern Sky
Like birds we fly to our places
Through the crisp, empty sky
Let's drive on a long, flat road till sunset
It's my new dream, that sky, those lights
At the end of the day, we'll arrive there
North country, Northern night, Northern lights
-Argentia Krystofel
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Ginger Lemon
Never through those rose colored glasses
Somehow unheard, unspoken
Like the slowly dissipating steam
Off this cup of ginger lemon tea
How can anyone explain this transition?
Pastel warrior, come around
Calculations aren't equal anymore
Warm, like this cup of tea
Digging graves to rest our hearts
Lost your keys again, but I don't feel bad
Simply a misconception, it's explained
Bitter like the lemon zest in this cup of tea
Mourn over a little lost time
Words fall relentlessly from the sky
Avoid the truth, there's a few minutes left
This slowly cooling cup of tea
One warm room, one table, I dare you
Pale and slender groundbreaker
Look me in the eye, breathtaking view, change it all
In the glorious burn of the ginger in this tea.
Somehow unheard, unspoken
Like the slowly dissipating steam
Off this cup of ginger lemon tea
How can anyone explain this transition?
Pastel warrior, come around
Calculations aren't equal anymore
Warm, like this cup of tea
Digging graves to rest our hearts
Lost your keys again, but I don't feel bad
Simply a misconception, it's explained
Bitter like the lemon zest in this cup of tea
Mourn over a little lost time
Words fall relentlessly from the sky
Avoid the truth, there's a few minutes left
This slowly cooling cup of tea
One warm room, one table, I dare you
Pale and slender groundbreaker
Look me in the eye, breathtaking view, change it all
In the glorious burn of the ginger in this tea.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Reason and Torment
You held my hand, you greeted me smiling
You embraced me strongly, held me close to you
Your soft scent, warmth surrounding me; you almost kiss me
When you heal that pain, you may return
And what about returning? About pain?
Why do people return to others? Why is it painful to return?
Dreams I cannot avoid, they will go, one day
You truly will be forgotten
The melodies of your being will lose their meaning, one day,
And what about hands clasped tightly or an embrace?
What about your eyes drifting across my face?
Why, oh why, your breath upon my cheek?
My questions have no answers and
Whirl around in this way, long quiet nights,
This is how you torment me
You embraced me strongly, held me close to you
Your soft scent, warmth surrounding me; you almost kiss me
When you heal that pain, you may return
And what about returning? About pain?
Why do people return to others? Why is it painful to return?
Dreams I cannot avoid, they will go, one day
You truly will be forgotten
The melodies of your being will lose their meaning, one day,
And what about hands clasped tightly or an embrace?
What about your eyes drifting across my face?
Why, oh why, your breath upon my cheek?
My questions have no answers and
Whirl around in this way, long quiet nights,
This is how you torment me
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Change
Vague and elusive, like that summer rain
Dusting us with tiny, cold droplets
So chill and indecisive, so lonely and frail
That's the feeling of having known one
Person in the expanse of many
This misty green presence, this realization
The scattered elements of your being
Drift along like the notes of 백색왜성
In the blue haze of my memories
One star among many, like no other
Have you ever seen yourself this way?
Through clouds of purple smoke?
Observe your profile view in another's eyes
Forget everything you previously knew
Only realize the future, the true heart
I miss who I knew, you search for who that is
Possibly never understood
The bright white light of the morning sun
Closing the doors, shutting the windows
Futile searching and sense-making
With no clear conclusion, no resolutions
Lies, beliefs, assumptions, a blurred kaleidoscope
Of feelings, innacurate, misplaced, understood
In the empty space between two lives
A dark and quiet apology, owed to no one
Yet whispered late at night, without a single tear
Speaking out loud through the lyrics of songs
Some time from now, if the beating of your heart
Continues in this universe, then come show me
The accomplishment of your precious dreams.
-Argentia Krystofel
Dusting us with tiny, cold droplets
So chill and indecisive, so lonely and frail
That's the feeling of having known one
Person in the expanse of many
This misty green presence, this realization
The scattered elements of your being
Drift along like the notes of 백색왜성
In the blue haze of my memories
One star among many, like no other
Have you ever seen yourself this way?
Through clouds of purple smoke?
Observe your profile view in another's eyes
Forget everything you previously knew
Only realize the future, the true heart
I miss who I knew, you search for who that is
Possibly never understood
The bright white light of the morning sun
Closing the doors, shutting the windows
Futile searching and sense-making
With no clear conclusion, no resolutions
Lies, beliefs, assumptions, a blurred kaleidoscope
Of feelings, innacurate, misplaced, understood
In the empty space between two lives
A dark and quiet apology, owed to no one
Yet whispered late at night, without a single tear
Speaking out loud through the lyrics of songs
Some time from now, if the beating of your heart
Continues in this universe, then come show me
The accomplishment of your precious dreams.
-Argentia Krystofel
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Connections
I'm terrified of the smokey, black sky
The lights drifting in this boundless sea
There is no moon tonight
And I tremble at the slightest breath of wind
You are at rest, back to the gravel
No fear in your open, reflective eyes, gazing
Up into the familiar sky
Your hands are so still, so quiet, so soft, like you
Peeking out from their curtain of darkness
Slowly, I spy the brilliant stars
My heart quiets in my chest
My being realizes something I cannot fathom
We will live longer than even those ancient stars
They die before the endless soul
Why fear being so close?
I will make my place, lying here underneath them
Warmth fills my palm, a shock bounces up my arm
Arching all over my chest-I don't breath-
I told you being up here is dangerous
So close to the electricity that brings us light
Connections need no words, you remark
Your laugh is gentle, your whole being a mystery
We don't need to understand
The stars are smiling at me, I can feel it
The long moments drag by in the muggy air
The gravel is painful, but it doesn't matter
I could touch the stars, you know
Peace never felt so near, sorrow so far
Let us forget our previous selves today, can we?
With the sky above and the world beneath
The essence of this feeling is love
All of the words you say with your mouth shut
I laugh again at the weather reports and cancellations
No destiny is planned around a fortune teller
And her off-beat predictions
So why do we hide from rain before it even falls?
Do you mind if I stay by your side a little while?
Filled with these questions, your eyes dance
You hold my hand
I smile at this world and this night, and I smile at you.
-Argentia Krystofel
3/25/14 at 1:54 PM
The lights drifting in this boundless sea
There is no moon tonight
And I tremble at the slightest breath of wind
You are at rest, back to the gravel
No fear in your open, reflective eyes, gazing
Up into the familiar sky
Your hands are so still, so quiet, so soft, like you
Peeking out from their curtain of darkness
Slowly, I spy the brilliant stars
My heart quiets in my chest
My being realizes something I cannot fathom
We will live longer than even those ancient stars
They die before the endless soul
Why fear being so close?
I will make my place, lying here underneath them
Warmth fills my palm, a shock bounces up my arm
Arching all over my chest-I don't breath-
I told you being up here is dangerous
So close to the electricity that brings us light
Connections need no words, you remark
Your laugh is gentle, your whole being a mystery
We don't need to understand
The stars are smiling at me, I can feel it
The long moments drag by in the muggy air
The gravel is painful, but it doesn't matter
I could touch the stars, you know
Peace never felt so near, sorrow so far
Let us forget our previous selves today, can we?
With the sky above and the world beneath
The essence of this feeling is love
All of the words you say with your mouth shut
I laugh again at the weather reports and cancellations
No destiny is planned around a fortune teller
And her off-beat predictions
So why do we hide from rain before it even falls?
Do you mind if I stay by your side a little while?
Filled with these questions, your eyes dance
You hold my hand
I smile at this world and this night, and I smile at you.
-Argentia Krystofel
3/25/14 at 1:54 PM
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Fading
Original typed version: September 29, 2013, at 10:04 PM
The expression you wear
The lights flickering in your eyes
Your lips mouth a suggestion
"Stay," and the truth hits me
This can't last, it never will
Like paper back then
I could be crumpled in your hands
And I realize the truth
You came to represent that time?
It's not truly your being that I miss, right?
Because what significance was that?
Why is everything now becomming dark?
The words "I'm leaving," were bitter
Like a death wish for the past
You suggested a simple future
Oh, now I realize the truth
Chances to be were lost
The very moment before they began
Wishes or prayers for you, all were useless
You are too far away
I can't be this way,
I become disgusted with myself
My attitude adopts a stench from it
I can't face the truth
You were leaving, is that why I cried?
Or was it because I fell in love with your ghost?
I threw a coin so high it hasn't landed yet
Will I claim heads or tails, tell me now
Do you appreciate this madness of mine?
Can I create a more moving fairytale for myself?
Just imagine 168 hours for the past
Isn't that the truth?
Did you look back?
Did your shoulders even flinch?
Because I didn't see your eyes when I turned
And paused for a silent moment of the truth
Why I faltered I don't know
Why did I break under your eyes?
What about me was so cool then
Why did I lose it now?
I still remember
The image of your back
Your shoulders turned to me
The way your clothes wrinkled
Every acute detail is now mine to hold
Your messy hair and dark arms
Offset by ash and smoke, conformity
Black eyes, black sky, black pavement
Why, when, for what reason?
Did I meet your gaze that day?
Your clear image is now so blurred
I just wish I could've seen the truth
Freedom; everything became a wonder
My heart is clenched by this feeling
"Oh God, what was that?" I cry
Maybe there's a reason, but I'm blind
You and your ghost are gone
Your streets, your lights, your entire world
All is so far away, dead, deep within my heart
I still don't know the truth.
The expression you wear
The lights flickering in your eyes
Your lips mouth a suggestion
"Stay," and the truth hits me
This can't last, it never will
Like paper back then
I could be crumpled in your hands
And I realize the truth
You came to represent that time?
It's not truly your being that I miss, right?
Because what significance was that?
Why is everything now becomming dark?
The words "I'm leaving," were bitter
Like a death wish for the past
You suggested a simple future
Oh, now I realize the truth
Chances to be were lost
The very moment before they began
Wishes or prayers for you, all were useless
You are too far away
I can't be this way,
I become disgusted with myself
My attitude adopts a stench from it
I can't face the truth
You were leaving, is that why I cried?
Or was it because I fell in love with your ghost?
I threw a coin so high it hasn't landed yet
Will I claim heads or tails, tell me now
Do you appreciate this madness of mine?
Can I create a more moving fairytale for myself?
Just imagine 168 hours for the past
Isn't that the truth?
Did you look back?
Did your shoulders even flinch?
Because I didn't see your eyes when I turned
And paused for a silent moment of the truth
Why I faltered I don't know
Why did I break under your eyes?
What about me was so cool then
Why did I lose it now?
I still remember
The image of your back
Your shoulders turned to me
The way your clothes wrinkled
Every acute detail is now mine to hold
Your messy hair and dark arms
Offset by ash and smoke, conformity
Black eyes, black sky, black pavement
Why, when, for what reason?
Did I meet your gaze that day?
Your clear image is now so blurred
I just wish I could've seen the truth
Freedom; everything became a wonder
My heart is clenched by this feeling
"Oh God, what was that?" I cry
Maybe there's a reason, but I'm blind
You and your ghost are gone
Your streets, your lights, your entire world
All is so far away, dead, deep within my heart
I still don't know the truth.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Heal the Hurt
If there were more I could say, I would
Tell you everything will be alright
Get some sleep on this dark night
If I could make it better now, I would
Heal the hurt heart aching in your chest
Show you somehow that all is for the best
But I can only watch as your spirit slowly falls
The sleepless nights, the doubting eyes
Wrinkled shirts, heavy footsteps, sighs
No matter what, I want you to know this one thing
I wish I could see your future of bright smiles
I wish I could make it alright for just a while
I hope you know how much your hurt hurts me
That I'm here whenever you need a listening ear
How much I wish I could catch your tears
And hold you tightly in my arms.
Tell you everything will be alright
Get some sleep on this dark night
If I could make it better now, I would
Heal the hurt heart aching in your chest
Show you somehow that all is for the best
But I can only watch as your spirit slowly falls
The sleepless nights, the doubting eyes
Wrinkled shirts, heavy footsteps, sighs
No matter what, I want you to know this one thing
I wish I could see your future of bright smiles
I wish I could make it alright for just a while
I hope you know how much your hurt hurts me
That I'm here whenever you need a listening ear
How much I wish I could catch your tears
And hold you tightly in my arms.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Future Faith
Like lost grasses tossed about in the wind
As smiling children we go round about
And yet we all dream, we dream like mad
We just might be searching for something
Under the light polluted skies
Of these summer nights, we're running wild
Prematurely grown, far from home, they fly
Dark and solemn are those eyes
That search for something more before the dawn
We're all old enough to know what hurt is
Our survivor smiles are beautiful
If you never feel pain, you can never feel joy
We're all young enough to know what hope is
The light of our future is beautiful
If you never fail, you may never know what it means to try again
-Argentia Krystofel
As smiling children we go round about
And yet we all dream, we dream like mad
We just might be searching for something
Under the light polluted skies
Of these summer nights, we're running wild
Prematurely grown, far from home, they fly
Dark and solemn are those eyes
That search for something more before the dawn
We're all old enough to know what hurt is
Our survivor smiles are beautiful
If you never feel pain, you can never feel joy
We're all young enough to know what hope is
The light of our future is beautiful
If you never fail, you may never know what it means to try again
-Argentia Krystofel
Monday, June 30, 2014
So Delicate
The pathetic fortress of my thin skin
Looks like a strong one, I know
But there is your gaze, noble and strong
The sunlight, blood red and soaked in memories
Covers the grass, the tree trunks, the concrete
It holds an unspoken, nostalgic sorrow
Don't ask if we could go back, it hurts,
I want to see the young and old face
Of the setting sun, I wish it had all been mine
Words, like my childhood popcorn garland
Strung on a flimsy string, eaten away by birds,
Are clinging naked and worn to the last pine needle
So why did you speak so sweetly, you convinced me,
That it was unwise to throw this feeling away?
I'm honestly scared, I've been made so delicate
When is the last time I will hear you?
When will the nostalgic sorrow dissipate?
When you finally speak, letting out your soul, will it be delicate?
First written 4.11.14 @ 12:47 AM
-Argentia
Looks like a strong one, I know
But there is your gaze, noble and strong
The sunlight, blood red and soaked in memories
Covers the grass, the tree trunks, the concrete
It holds an unspoken, nostalgic sorrow
Don't ask if we could go back, it hurts,
I want to see the young and old face
Of the setting sun, I wish it had all been mine
Words, like my childhood popcorn garland
Strung on a flimsy string, eaten away by birds,
Are clinging naked and worn to the last pine needle
So why did you speak so sweetly, you convinced me,
That it was unwise to throw this feeling away?
I'm honestly scared, I've been made so delicate
When is the last time I will hear you?
When will the nostalgic sorrow dissipate?
When you finally speak, letting out your soul, will it be delicate?
First written 4.11.14 @ 12:47 AM
-Argentia
Black Sesame Mochi Cakes
There are lots of fake people in this world
There's the both of us, equally fake to each other
The lights, the stops, the pretty things
I might want them if you weren't here
I fear we'll make sacrifices for things
We don't really need
Like the only person I wish I were notDefinitely, I answer, definitely
I am perfectly happy with this moment
But you insist, don't mind the time
Hold my hand if you feel insecure
I won't let you fall
This ends someday, does it end now?
The food in front of us grows cold
And I jerk my fingers from your grasp
Who are they and why are we here?
We were swinging our arms happily
Together, we were eating black sesame mochi cakes.
Originally written 4/15/14 7:47 PM.
-Argentia
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sweethearts
I can hear their sweet, low tones before I see their faces. I halt my descent on the first floor and peek through the window.
She shuffles her feet, she laughs at him, her arms resting comfortably on his waist, hands clasped against his back. He keeps making her laugh; a comfortable, warm sound. They sway from side to side in the darkness in a silent slow dance under the streetlights, and I slip into the corner, just in case they might see me watching.
He says something to her; his tone endearing, his voice deep. She tosses her head back, honey-brown hair flying, and giggles again. She abruptly pulls him into an embrace, wrapping her arms around his back and resting her head on his shoulder. They quiet as she draws away, and she smiles with joy; her eyes alone show how much she loves him. The summer breeze plays with her hair, bringing with it the sweet smell of flowers and rain. He takes her hands in his and pulls them towards his waist once more, and in that one swift motion of deceit, leans forward and kisses her.
For a short moment, they are both frozen in time, lost in the magic, lost in each other. Then he drifts away, like a sailor reluctantly leaving his lover upon the shore. She smiles again, and laughs, a little shy, a little too happy to show it.
I return to my errand, their laughter fading behind me.
Again I was reminded how cute couples are here. These two were particularly endearing. I shouldn't have spied on them, I know. Seeing so many sweet couples, you start to realize how much you wish you had that special someone.
-Argentia
She shuffles her feet, she laughs at him, her arms resting comfortably on his waist, hands clasped against his back. He keeps making her laugh; a comfortable, warm sound. They sway from side to side in the darkness in a silent slow dance under the streetlights, and I slip into the corner, just in case they might see me watching.
He says something to her; his tone endearing, his voice deep. She tosses her head back, honey-brown hair flying, and giggles again. She abruptly pulls him into an embrace, wrapping her arms around his back and resting her head on his shoulder. They quiet as she draws away, and she smiles with joy; her eyes alone show how much she loves him. The summer breeze plays with her hair, bringing with it the sweet smell of flowers and rain. He takes her hands in his and pulls them towards his waist once more, and in that one swift motion of deceit, leans forward and kisses her.
For a short moment, they are both frozen in time, lost in the magic, lost in each other. Then he drifts away, like a sailor reluctantly leaving his lover upon the shore. She smiles again, and laughs, a little shy, a little too happy to show it.
I return to my errand, their laughter fading behind me.
Again I was reminded how cute couples are here. These two were particularly endearing. I shouldn't have spied on them, I know. Seeing so many sweet couples, you start to realize how much you wish you had that special someone.
-Argentia
Saturday, June 14, 2014
I'm going to Seoul
This time three years ago I was frantically preparing for the Reformed Family Bible Conference; basically the biggest event ever for families at our church and other Reformed Presbyterian families. I say families, but I remember it being more important of an event for us kids than anything else. It was the pinnacle of our year, the beginning and the end, the social experience that rivaled all others. You met teens like you; they were mostly homeschooled, like you, mostly from large families, like you, most were just a little quirky, like you.
I began going in 2009, never with my entire family (irony!). Instead, I hitched a ride with others from our church and stayed with various church friends at different dorms throughout the week (did I mention this is held on a college campus?! Yes, a "real life" college campus!).
I have to thank "Conference" for a few great, longlasting friendships in my teenage years. I have to thank "Conference" for many magical moments; perfect sunsets, moonrises, and enchanting mountain mornings. I have to thank "Conference" for a lot of teen drama, for the pains of growing up, of seeing the world differently, of expanding my vision, of change, selfishness, and angst, too. And I have the "Barn Dance" (held in a gym with a steel roof that looks more like an igloo tank or a bomb shelter than a 'barn') at the end of "Conference" to thank for learning The Posties Jig. I think I did indeed learn a lot about God and His plans for our lives at this event, whether I realized that I would before, realized I did then, or realize it now. Some days, I still wonder what I went through all of my teenage years for.
I was only thirteen and a half when I started going. Now I'm eighteen and a half, and I don't go anymore.
As mentioned above, there is pain in changing. I'm feeling that pain right now. It's selfish, and it's angsty, and it's dramatic, too. I'm young still. I might be a legal adult, but if some can believe the government is corrupt, I can believe that said government establishing the concept of the number eighteen signifying maturity and adulthood is dumb.
I don't hate "Conference". I don't really like it anymore, either. That's because I change, and I'm still coming to terms with that, myself. I'm still wondering why I had to change, why anyone had to change, and break the magic that was once something I enjoyed. But all of those baby-faced thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year olds have grown up.
When I was thirteen, I was excited to make new friends because I was incredibly, painfully shy. When I was fourteen, I thought that friendships lasted forever; I had no concept of time, change, or responsibilities. When I was fifteen, reality began to hit and the only thing that mattered was that I made the best of the time I had left. Cue the drama and angst x 1,000.
I feel like a fifteen-year-old today. I leave for Seoul in ten days, and all of the relationships I have here, there, and everywhere feel strained and over-magnified. I'm going to miss watching the garden grow and the grapes ripen, going to the Chautauqua festival, and being with my family for five weeks. The world feels so much smaller now, but larger at the same time. There are so many people, and none of them are required to like me, and none of them understand me, and none of them ever will. There are so many contrasting ideas of what traditions are, what ettiquette is, and how to show affection. Culture as a whole is both a warm and cold thing, and it's frightening. Of course there is love, too, and it's place in the world. How logical should we be, how closely should we examine a relationship? How much does coffee and a smile even amount to, a year later?
I'm selfish. I'm angsty. I'm dramatic. Hello fifteen.
I don't hate "going to Seoul". I still like it, and thank goodness I haven't changed that much. But it's because I have changed, I feel uneasy. I worry, and I panic. I don't trust God and I don't wait for Him, and I forget why I'm going through these teenage years, anyway. I don't realize beforehand, in the moment, or afterwards, wherever I am at the moment, what the plan is going to be. I'm not going to play humble and deny that I am an intelligent person. I'm so smart, and I'm arrogant, too, and I want to know things. But I can't know everything; God just doesn't want me to. Drives. me. crazy.
Not knowing what's going to happen in the future isn't the point, I guess. The point is that I got the opportunity. I got the opportunity to return to something that was magical, beautiful, and full of change. I got the opportunity to go back, and it might be another captivating, mystifying, learning experience, or it could be another roller coaster of selfishness, angst, and drama.
Sometimes, I miss younger days in my life and I wish I could go back to those times when I felt more secure and I didn't care about the future. But in the end, I can't really go back again. I have to go forward.
-Argentia Krystofel
I began going in 2009, never with my entire family (irony!). Instead, I hitched a ride with others from our church and stayed with various church friends at different dorms throughout the week (did I mention this is held on a college campus?! Yes, a "real life" college campus!).
I have to thank "Conference" for a few great, longlasting friendships in my teenage years. I have to thank "Conference" for many magical moments; perfect sunsets, moonrises, and enchanting mountain mornings. I have to thank "Conference" for a lot of teen drama, for the pains of growing up, of seeing the world differently, of expanding my vision, of change, selfishness, and angst, too. And I have the "Barn Dance" (held in a gym with a steel roof that looks more like an igloo tank or a bomb shelter than a 'barn') at the end of "Conference" to thank for learning The Posties Jig. I think I did indeed learn a lot about God and His plans for our lives at this event, whether I realized that I would before, realized I did then, or realize it now. Some days, I still wonder what I went through all of my teenage years for.
I was only thirteen and a half when I started going. Now I'm eighteen and a half, and I don't go anymore.
As mentioned above, there is pain in changing. I'm feeling that pain right now. It's selfish, and it's angsty, and it's dramatic, too. I'm young still. I might be a legal adult, but if some can believe the government is corrupt, I can believe that said government establishing the concept of the number eighteen signifying maturity and adulthood is dumb.
I don't hate "Conference". I don't really like it anymore, either. That's because I change, and I'm still coming to terms with that, myself. I'm still wondering why I had to change, why anyone had to change, and break the magic that was once something I enjoyed. But all of those baby-faced thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year olds have grown up.
When I was thirteen, I was excited to make new friends because I was incredibly, painfully shy. When I was fourteen, I thought that friendships lasted forever; I had no concept of time, change, or responsibilities. When I was fifteen, reality began to hit and the only thing that mattered was that I made the best of the time I had left. Cue the drama and angst x 1,000.
I feel like a fifteen-year-old today. I leave for Seoul in ten days, and all of the relationships I have here, there, and everywhere feel strained and over-magnified. I'm going to miss watching the garden grow and the grapes ripen, going to the Chautauqua festival, and being with my family for five weeks. The world feels so much smaller now, but larger at the same time. There are so many people, and none of them are required to like me, and none of them understand me, and none of them ever will. There are so many contrasting ideas of what traditions are, what ettiquette is, and how to show affection. Culture as a whole is both a warm and cold thing, and it's frightening. Of course there is love, too, and it's place in the world. How logical should we be, how closely should we examine a relationship? How much does coffee and a smile even amount to, a year later?
I'm selfish. I'm angsty. I'm dramatic. Hello fifteen.
I don't hate "going to Seoul". I still like it, and thank goodness I haven't changed that much. But it's because I have changed, I feel uneasy. I worry, and I panic. I don't trust God and I don't wait for Him, and I forget why I'm going through these teenage years, anyway. I don't realize beforehand, in the moment, or afterwards, wherever I am at the moment, what the plan is going to be. I'm not going to play humble and deny that I am an intelligent person. I'm so smart, and I'm arrogant, too, and I want to know things. But I can't know everything; God just doesn't want me to. Drives. me. crazy.
Not knowing what's going to happen in the future isn't the point, I guess. The point is that I got the opportunity. I got the opportunity to return to something that was magical, beautiful, and full of change. I got the opportunity to go back, and it might be another captivating, mystifying, learning experience, or it could be another roller coaster of selfishness, angst, and drama.
Sometimes, I miss younger days in my life and I wish I could go back to those times when I felt more secure and I didn't care about the future. But in the end, I can't really go back again. I have to go forward.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Friday, May 16, 2014
Untitled #7
What are you trying to accomplish
With that starlight
And those words
Smiling
What are you trying to say
Following
Encouraging
Singing in a strong voice
-Argentia Krystofel
With that starlight
And those words
Smiling
What are you trying to say
Following
Encouraging
Singing in a strong voice
-Argentia Krystofel
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I'm in a bad mood, people.
An epicly bad mood.
I normally don't post when I'm in a bad mood, because I feel like showing my bad moods on Blogger is just ridiculous and inconveniences everyone, but today is especially frustrating.
First off, I was up late last night because I can't sleep recently. Sunday was spent at a friend's wedding and in the car (6-hour round trip), and though I was delighted to go to his wedding, I was not really delighted with the car ride and all of the wedding talk.
I've turned eighteen, what I thought at thirteen meant I would suddenly become an eligible young lady battling off marriage-talk, wedding proposals, and unwanted boyfriends left and right. At sixteen I thought this idea was silly. At eighteen, I am believing I was probably right.
So anyway, I stayed up last night despite being exhausted and lay in bed thinking distantly about the discussion of wedding colors and all of the tux and dress commercials I've been seeing and what month would be best to get married in.
Ridiculous, I know.
Anyway, on Sunday I discussed with some of the girls who were encouraging this wedding-color choosing how it would be nice to do pink, because it is a very versatile color on many skin tones.
My logic: We don't know who our groom, groomsmen, and bridesmaids will be yet, so it's hard to choose now.
Anyway, last night I settled on an aqua green with white tuxes and either a blue/green dress or a vintage white dress in the middle of August. =P Do not even try to understand this level of absurdity.
This morning I woke up and my grandmother called to say she was cancelling our trip to Annandale because 'your grandpa isn't well', and though I would be more than willing to give him time to feel better before their trip out west this summer, I know what her true motive was in depriving my Fairfax-bound soul of ddeokbokki and takoyaki.
Last weekend my brother ended up telling her that I went to South Korea last year and that I'm going back in July. Sure enough, as soon as she says 'we can't go next week...' she asks 'what about July?'. She told my brother not to tell me about the incident, but OBVIOUSLY he cannot keep anything to himself. I now know that she is attempting to make me spill about being in Seoul this summer.
I have a solution to her interrogations.
Just keep saying 'no'.
Furthermore, no matter how much she tries to get info out of me, convince me not to go, scare me to death with crazy stories, chase me to the airport, call me constantly while I'm gone, and completely ruin my summer, I have a not-to-be-mentioned ace in the hole. And I will use it.
Going to lose my inheritance? Probably, but inheritance isn't worth her constant badgering, xenophobia and racism.
Then Mom told me that colored wedding dresses are silly, and I didn't get to shower until noon, and my contacts won't come in before I leave in June, and none of my friends want to talk, and I can't make ice cream until the ice cream maker comes in, and my room has not gotten any cleaner but rather more messy in the past two weeks, and I have work on Friday.
So I think I'll move to Australia.
-Argentia Krystofel
An epicly bad mood.
I normally don't post when I'm in a bad mood, because I feel like showing my bad moods on Blogger is just ridiculous and inconveniences everyone, but today is especially frustrating.
First off, I was up late last night because I can't sleep recently. Sunday was spent at a friend's wedding and in the car (6-hour round trip), and though I was delighted to go to his wedding, I was not really delighted with the car ride and all of the wedding talk.
I've turned eighteen, what I thought at thirteen meant I would suddenly become an eligible young lady battling off marriage-talk, wedding proposals, and unwanted boyfriends left and right. At sixteen I thought this idea was silly. At eighteen, I am believing I was probably right.
So anyway, I stayed up last night despite being exhausted and lay in bed thinking distantly about the discussion of wedding colors and all of the tux and dress commercials I've been seeing and what month would be best to get married in.
Ridiculous, I know.
Anyway, on Sunday I discussed with some of the girls who were encouraging this wedding-color choosing how it would be nice to do pink, because it is a very versatile color on many skin tones.
My logic: We don't know who our groom, groomsmen, and bridesmaids will be yet, so it's hard to choose now.
Anyway, last night I settled on an aqua green with white tuxes and either a blue/green dress or a vintage white dress in the middle of August. =P Do not even try to understand this level of absurdity.
This morning I woke up and my grandmother called to say she was cancelling our trip to Annandale because 'your grandpa isn't well', and though I would be more than willing to give him time to feel better before their trip out west this summer, I know what her true motive was in depriving my Fairfax-bound soul of ddeokbokki and takoyaki.
 |
| I wanted some... |
 |
| ...truly a pity. |
Last weekend my brother ended up telling her that I went to South Korea last year and that I'm going back in July. Sure enough, as soon as she says 'we can't go next week...' she asks 'what about July?'. She told my brother not to tell me about the incident, but OBVIOUSLY he cannot keep anything to himself. I now know that she is attempting to make me spill about being in Seoul this summer.
I have a solution to her interrogations.
Just keep saying 'no'.
Furthermore, no matter how much she tries to get info out of me, convince me not to go, scare me to death with crazy stories, chase me to the airport, call me constantly while I'm gone, and completely ruin my summer, I have a not-to-be-mentioned ace in the hole. And I will use it.
Going to lose my inheritance? Probably, but inheritance isn't worth her constant badgering, xenophobia and racism.
Then Mom told me that colored wedding dresses are silly, and I didn't get to shower until noon, and my contacts won't come in before I leave in June, and none of my friends want to talk, and I can't make ice cream until the ice cream maker comes in, and my room has not gotten any cleaner but rather more messy in the past two weeks, and I have work on Friday.
So I think I'll move to Australia.
-Argentia Krystofel
Friday, May 9, 2014
Read Me Your Favorite Line (Damien Rice Inspired Pt. 1)
Summer sweetness, intoxicating
Running from things we know
Hiding under our own misconceptions
The color of a setting sun in May
Reflecting in the warm lake
Where I went fishing with my family
The sound of a gentle breeze
Flipping through those rough, worn pages
With a 'swap-swap-swap' on an afternoon
The smell of warm pavement
And sweat, and tennis shoes
Perfume, chlorine, grape candy
The leaves are coming back green
The crawling bugs and yapping dogs
The memories, long forgotten
I dive into the murky warmth
Words of my favorite book
Bulgogi with friends last May
I'm not losing time, I savor it
I watch it and hear it and smell it
I hold it.
-Argentia Krystofel
Running from things we know
Hiding under our own misconceptions
The color of a setting sun in May
Reflecting in the warm lake
Where I went fishing with my family
The sound of a gentle breeze
Flipping through those rough, worn pages
With a 'swap-swap-swap' on an afternoon
The smell of warm pavement
And sweat, and tennis shoes
Perfume, chlorine, grape candy
The leaves are coming back green
The crawling bugs and yapping dogs
The memories, long forgotten
I dive into the murky warmth
Words of my favorite book
Bulgogi with friends last May
I'm not losing time, I savor it
I watch it and hear it and smell it
I hold it.
-Argentia Krystofel
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Spring Fever
Blooms
The pale yellow daffodils come upon us suddenly
Sunlight
The warmth of each person, each new face
New
The youthful green grass, daring and rebellious
Happiness
The tiny hand, drippy-popsicle-sticky, clinging to my finger
Rain
The memories of a time before time as it is now
Sweet
The taste of fresh California strawberries every day
Confidence
The understanding that things can and will get better
Love
The encouragement of a friend
-Argentia
The pale yellow daffodils come upon us suddenly
Sunlight
The warmth of each person, each new face
New
The youthful green grass, daring and rebellious
Happiness
The tiny hand, drippy-popsicle-sticky, clinging to my finger
Rain
The memories of a time before time as it is now
Sweet
The taste of fresh California strawberries every day
Confidence
The understanding that things can and will get better
Love
The encouragement of a friend
-Argentia
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
April Update: ten (mostly) important things of the past month.
1. Kishi Bashi released his new album, "Lighght", and it has my favorite song from his Charlottesville show, "Q&A". This romantic song is performed live in the video below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeAUlx4Gea8
And like the uploader, I had no idea what the title was until the album was released. I can't hear if he says the title in my video of the performance, and since the chorus is in Japanese, it was hard for me to decide what to call it. Finally, my favorite song is here (with a name)!
2. As of this moment, I have finished 3 out of 5 classes with an 'A'! Here's to hoping my Communications exam tomorrow and Biology exam Wednesday go well. :)
3. My friends and I went to see "The Wind Rises", Hayao Miyazaki's last film, at the Lyric in Blacksburg. It was a great movie and a wonderful night.
4. Jiro in the aforementioned movie was just adorable and totally stole my heart. He had classy suits, awesome hats, an amazing scarf, cute glasses, and flyaway hair. His quirky personality and interactions with people around him made me just want to hug him. Seriously. That scene when he wanted to give the kids a cake? When his boss said that they thought he would marry an airplane? Every singe time he got lost in daydreaming? Not to mention the scenes of him testing his airplane in the mountains with his girl. Uwaaaahhh~~~ Ahem. He was so cute.
5. I need to photo spam you, of course-
One of my favorite outfits from the beginning scenes.
Feverishly working...
Dream sequences were a consistent theme throughout. Jiro would dream that he was speaking with and drawing inspiration from his role model, Italian plane designer Caproni.
6. We went to the street fair in Blacksburg-
7. We also brought home a haul from Oasis
The U-Gua, rice drink, and dried cuttlefish are heavenly. Sac Sac never disappoints. :)
8. I should have more to say in this post. I have a total of seven weeks of work left (blah...) and eight weeks until I leave for South Korea, which is actually a nice thought. I'm hoping time flies, but hoping it creeps at the same time. Augh. I feel so indecisive recently and very conflicted. I know I shouldn't dwell on those feelings and proceed with my life, but of course, doubt is determined to polute every good thing. I have so much academic/study burnout, as my parents called it. Or you could say it is senioritis, though I've felt it for my entire sophomore year, a pretty long time. I'm having to learn to take my B and live with it instead of glorifying the 4.0 to extremes. Of course, there is my tendency to be nostalgic and look back too much. I compare my current life to the happy high school years and get so discouraged trying to recreate that for myself, when really, I should be thankful for what I have. And who says it can't ever get any better than it was? :)
9. I'm looking forward to these things in May-
Cooking all kinds of foods
Excercising and getting out more
Reading to kids at Spiller when I'm NOT on the clock
Going out with friends
Warm weather
Redecorating my room (and being otherwise creative)
Cleaning
Studying Korean as much as I can
10. Eventually, I will work up the courage to post some of my recent poems to this blog and the motivation to post pictures of some recipes I've tried, along with some pictures from my trip to Namsan tower that I never published on here.
So, here's to crawling out of the cavern that is academic burnout and sophomore year and trying to look at the world positively!
-Argentia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeAUlx4Gea8
And like the uploader, I had no idea what the title was until the album was released. I can't hear if he says the title in my video of the performance, and since the chorus is in Japanese, it was hard for me to decide what to call it. Finally, my favorite song is here (with a name)!
 |
| Album cover... |
2. As of this moment, I have finished 3 out of 5 classes with an 'A'! Here's to hoping my Communications exam tomorrow and Biology exam Wednesday go well. :)
3. My friends and I went to see "The Wind Rises", Hayao Miyazaki's last film, at the Lyric in Blacksburg. It was a great movie and a wonderful night.
4. Jiro in the aforementioned movie was just adorable and totally stole my heart. He had classy suits, awesome hats, an amazing scarf, cute glasses, and flyaway hair. His quirky personality and interactions with people around him made me just want to hug him. Seriously. That scene when he wanted to give the kids a cake? When his boss said that they thought he would marry an airplane? Every singe time he got lost in daydreaming? Not to mention the scenes of him testing his airplane in the mountains with his girl. Uwaaaahhh~~~ Ahem. He was so cute.
5. I need to photo spam you, of course-
6. We went to the street fair in Blacksburg-
7. We also brought home a haul from Oasis
The U-Gua, rice drink, and dried cuttlefish are heavenly. Sac Sac never disappoints. :)
8. I should have more to say in this post. I have a total of seven weeks of work left (blah...) and eight weeks until I leave for South Korea, which is actually a nice thought. I'm hoping time flies, but hoping it creeps at the same time. Augh. I feel so indecisive recently and very conflicted. I know I shouldn't dwell on those feelings and proceed with my life, but of course, doubt is determined to polute every good thing. I have so much academic/study burnout, as my parents called it. Or you could say it is senioritis, though I've felt it for my entire sophomore year, a pretty long time. I'm having to learn to take my B and live with it instead of glorifying the 4.0 to extremes. Of course, there is my tendency to be nostalgic and look back too much. I compare my current life to the happy high school years and get so discouraged trying to recreate that for myself, when really, I should be thankful for what I have. And who says it can't ever get any better than it was? :)
9. I'm looking forward to these things in May-
Cooking all kinds of foods
Excercising and getting out more
Reading to kids at Spiller when I'm NOT on the clock
Going out with friends
Warm weather
Redecorating my room (and being otherwise creative)
Cleaning
Studying Korean as much as I can
10. Eventually, I will work up the courage to post some of my recent poems to this blog and the motivation to post pictures of some recipes I've tried, along with some pictures from my trip to Namsan tower that I never published on here.
So, here's to crawling out of the cavern that is academic burnout and sophomore year and trying to look at the world positively!
-Argentia
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Blind
My feelings, which are now so torn and anxious
Glide around like our last goodbye
Like your legs, taking straightforward steps
While others were trepidacious and uncertain
Don't open your eyes to the cruel night
Your heart was too warm for that
More than a fire, you appear like a star
Burning in a galaxy, where no time has passed away
Come to this world and open your palm
Only to be nailed to the cross you built
Did you assume that everyone would love you?
Were you born blind, or have you acquired it?
Do not be angry, no one knows it but I
Who can hear your silence and feel the pressure
My feelings, so quiet and afraid
Drift around in tune to yours, I can't stop it
Please delete Pluto from your solar system
It's cold as ice and pointless
How far away does a single voice carry and
Who can hear me amidst the noise of everyday life?
The instant is passing, your impulsiveness lingers
Suggestions connect like lightening in my mind
Will you not speak a little more to me
Let us map the cities and barren lands of your being
Get lost in the colors of this world, search
Meaning is just around the corner, brilliant
Let me hold it in my hands, this preciousness
Make your decisions; if you wish, I will never let go.
Glide around like our last goodbye
Like your legs, taking straightforward steps
While others were trepidacious and uncertain
Don't open your eyes to the cruel night
Your heart was too warm for that
More than a fire, you appear like a star
Burning in a galaxy, where no time has passed away
Come to this world and open your palm
Only to be nailed to the cross you built
Did you assume that everyone would love you?
Were you born blind, or have you acquired it?
Do not be angry, no one knows it but I
Who can hear your silence and feel the pressure
My feelings, so quiet and afraid
Drift around in tune to yours, I can't stop it
Please delete Pluto from your solar system
It's cold as ice and pointless
How far away does a single voice carry and
Who can hear me amidst the noise of everyday life?
The instant is passing, your impulsiveness lingers
Suggestions connect like lightening in my mind
Will you not speak a little more to me
Let us map the cities and barren lands of your being
Get lost in the colors of this world, search
Meaning is just around the corner, brilliant
Let me hold it in my hands, this preciousness
Make your decisions; if you wish, I will never let go.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Jade Jikeidan
We did t'ai ch'i at midnight
Everything sliding to an abrupt halt
You looked into my eyes
And you whispered a lonely lovesong
If you hold me tight I'll smile
Tell me you need me and I'll stay
Buy the lies I sell you, and don't cry
Oh, dearest darling, don't you dare cry
We practiced pottery at noon
Forming the most beautiful creations
Imperfect and flawed, but lovely
And you whispered my praises
The ancient, pale moon
Bares its scared face without shame
The pits in your soul
Are shadows dancing in my vision
Life's been a pretty little lie
But it's also been a pretty little thrill
And if it doesn't get boring, it's okay
If it never gets quiet, we'll fly
We learned Chinese in the wee hours
Morning of mysterious oriental vision
But I could not understand your tone
So you whispered a little English in my ear
We have slipped in and out
Like your state of mind
But that wasn't the end for you
The sad stories keep building
The faces of those pretty babies
Big brown eyes like yours
Stare into my soul, they pierce me
Just like you
We danced in the haze of spring sunsets
My heart burning with a desperate fire
I was fascinated by you beyond belief
And you whispered lies in my ear
Oh, you were the match, bold and selfless
That finally struck the wheat field
In kamikaze flames, down, down, down
Thank you, thank you, for opening my eyes
I hope you stay this way, in peace
May you live, wild and free and boundless
Perhaps one day we will heal
Until then, please farewell my friend, farewell
-Argentia
Everything sliding to an abrupt halt
You looked into my eyes
And you whispered a lonely lovesong
If you hold me tight I'll smile
Tell me you need me and I'll stay
Buy the lies I sell you, and don't cry
Oh, dearest darling, don't you dare cry
We practiced pottery at noon
Forming the most beautiful creations
Imperfect and flawed, but lovely
And you whispered my praises
The ancient, pale moon
Bares its scared face without shame
The pits in your soul
Are shadows dancing in my vision
Life's been a pretty little lie
But it's also been a pretty little thrill
And if it doesn't get boring, it's okay
If it never gets quiet, we'll fly
We learned Chinese in the wee hours
Morning of mysterious oriental vision
But I could not understand your tone
So you whispered a little English in my ear
We have slipped in and out
Like your state of mind
But that wasn't the end for you
The sad stories keep building
The faces of those pretty babies
Big brown eyes like yours
Stare into my soul, they pierce me
Just like you
We danced in the haze of spring sunsets
My heart burning with a desperate fire
I was fascinated by you beyond belief
And you whispered lies in my ear
Oh, you were the match, bold and selfless
That finally struck the wheat field
In kamikaze flames, down, down, down
Thank you, thank you, for opening my eyes
I hope you stay this way, in peace
May you live, wild and free and boundless
Perhaps one day we will heal
Until then, please farewell my friend, farewell
-Argentia
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Faker
Open the dark pools of mystery, wonder
Stars in the eyes of the night sky
Reflections of the cityscape, the people
Wandering, back and forth, surrounding
My hands are worthless shaking objects
We fall in utter confusion, what is this reality?
Was I yours, or was I your foggy realizations?
My shirt soaked in your tears, my heart weighted
Strip my wings of their pure feathers
Destroy my feelings with intense doubt
The future becomes a fixed equation
All of my efforts will add up to equal zero
Can I escape this flickering flame of a life?
The naked black trees, the azure blue sky
Sliced with a glowing knife and punctured
With trillions of tiny diamonds, bleeding black
I know how to make you cry like a little child
You know how to make me believe your lies
But I'm done with that ugly nightmare
That sleepless ending, those stormy nights
I refuse to believe in the perfection of man again
Or words or pictures or claims of honesty and love
Governments and organizations and associations
In every good thing there's a faker
-Argentia
Stars in the eyes of the night sky
Reflections of the cityscape, the people
Wandering, back and forth, surrounding
My hands are worthless shaking objects
We fall in utter confusion, what is this reality?
Was I yours, or was I your foggy realizations?
My shirt soaked in your tears, my heart weighted
Strip my wings of their pure feathers
Destroy my feelings with intense doubt
The future becomes a fixed equation
All of my efforts will add up to equal zero
Can I escape this flickering flame of a life?
The naked black trees, the azure blue sky
Sliced with a glowing knife and punctured
With trillions of tiny diamonds, bleeding black
I know how to make you cry like a little child
You know how to make me believe your lies
But I'm done with that ugly nightmare
That sleepless ending, those stormy nights
I refuse to believe in the perfection of man again
Or words or pictures or claims of honesty and love
Governments and organizations and associations
In every good thing there's a faker
-Argentia
Friday, February 14, 2014
Snow Lanterns and Untitled Poem
I wrote a poem about snow earlier this winter. I was waiting for 'the big one' to come so I could post it here. Enjoy!
It snowed
And each thought like a snowflake,
White and silent
A tiny secret to the unaided eye
Time slows
My heart doesn't beat so quickly
Rather it's a long, quiet sigh
In a breath, I can't describe it
Falling down
Each individual misconception
Hardly any fear at all is left inside
No longer to hide
Oh, and it snowed
The world blanketed in quiet light
Gives me some peace to speak tonight
Or to fly away, I'm not sure
It froze
The frosty glass bears blurred images
Of who I was and who I am
And who I will no longer be
And it stormed
A whirling world of blank thought
Of background noise and personal habits
But somehow it all becomes a comfort
Because it snowed!
And the heap of troubles and anguish
That perpetual feeling of accursed nonsense
All of it disappears to behold the calm of this moment
Love to you all and stay warm!
-Argentia
Saturday, February 8, 2014
10 Things I Want to Share
I am totally incapable of writing anything that flows nicely in a blog post tonight, so I have decided to update using numbered points, instead.
#1. There should be a filter on Tumblr. Seriously. There are some things that I would prefer to not see.
#2. To the man who keeps leaving sunflower seeds in the urinal at work: that is irritating. A lady has to clean this bathroom, you know. I simply ask that you not drag in cow dung on your boots and keep sunflower seeds out of the urinal. That is all.
#3. I'm so lazy and school is getting so crazy that I want to cry and scream and blabber incoherently sometimes, but God is good and gives me the hope that I will obtain better self-control and focus on my studies.
#4. This makes everything a little better.
Tim Be Told is a talented Christian music group going through some hard times lately-but still having the inspiring courage to produce music and keep fighting. Read more about Tim, the lead singer of the group, and Tim Be Told's music here-https://www.facebook.com/timbetold
#5. So does this.
#6. Smile, my love-
Reflecting upon the one of the most beautiful little sitcoms. It's been a while but I still get warm fuzzies whenever I watch this video.
In general, I have been experiencing some depressing feelings recently (as can be assumed from my last post), and frustration with myself, but I think by the grace of God I'm pulling out of it. Valentine's Day this year is exciting me despite the fact that I am single, simply because I can't wait to eat lots of pink cookies and drink pink raspberry bubble tea and think lots of pink fluffy thoughts.
You are free to gasp in awe at my sudden burst of romanticism. I even have a playlist of my favorite love songs (including Smile My Love, haha) that I am going to blast the entire day. :)
#7. I just want to say how much I love this blog and how cozy it feels to me when I write here. I guess it should, after all, this is the 358th post. =D
#8. Nail art for Lunar New Year! It didn't last more than 4 days, but it was still pretty. In other New Year-related news, weather permitting tomorrow I go northward with my family for a Chinese-style celebration in the city! All I can think about is the beautiful colors and food and boba tea...
#9. Friend, if the girl breaks up with you twice in six months, she just isn't worth your precious tears. So stop crying over her, stop wanting her back, please, for the sake of your heart, just move on.
#10. January finally redeemed itself this year; I used to dislike this month because nothing particularly exciting or wonderful has ever happened to me during those previously dreaded first four weeks of the year. But this January I have made several new friends and many memories. So yay for January! XD
I will send any of my unfortunate readers away with this song by Miley Cyrus (I know you are feeling shocked right now, but trust me when I say it is THE BEST she has ever made). Her video was, not surprisingly, quite trashy, but thankfully there are good people on the internets who upload lyric videos that I can post to my blog in good conscience.
Enjoy 'Adore You', and have a wonderfully sweet and Pinkie Pie approved Valentine's Day.
-Argentia Krystofel
#1. There should be a filter on Tumblr. Seriously. There are some things that I would prefer to not see.
#2. To the man who keeps leaving sunflower seeds in the urinal at work: that is irritating. A lady has to clean this bathroom, you know. I simply ask that you not drag in cow dung on your boots and keep sunflower seeds out of the urinal. That is all.
#3. I'm so lazy and school is getting so crazy that I want to cry and scream and blabber incoherently sometimes, but God is good and gives me the hope that I will obtain better self-control and focus on my studies.
#4. This makes everything a little better.
Tim Be Told is a talented Christian music group going through some hard times lately-but still having the inspiring courage to produce music and keep fighting. Read more about Tim, the lead singer of the group, and Tim Be Told's music here-https://www.facebook.com/timbetold
#5. So does this.
 |
| I like aegyo, okay? *shameless* |
In general, I have been experiencing some depressing feelings recently (as can be assumed from my last post), and frustration with myself, but I think by the grace of God I'm pulling out of it. Valentine's Day this year is exciting me despite the fact that I am single, simply because I can't wait to eat lots of pink cookies and drink pink raspberry bubble tea and think lots of pink fluffy thoughts.
 |
| If you are thinking about Pinkie Pie right now, I don't blame you. =P |
You are free to gasp in awe at my sudden burst of romanticism. I even have a playlist of my favorite love songs (including Smile My Love, haha) that I am going to blast the entire day. :)
#7. I just want to say how much I love this blog and how cozy it feels to me when I write here. I guess it should, after all, this is the 358th post. =D
#9. Friend, if the girl breaks up with you twice in six months, she just isn't worth your precious tears. So stop crying over her, stop wanting her back, please, for the sake of your heart, just move on.
#10. January finally redeemed itself this year; I used to dislike this month because nothing particularly exciting or wonderful has ever happened to me during those previously dreaded first four weeks of the year. But this January I have made several new friends and many memories. So yay for January! XD
I will send any of my unfortunate readers away with this song by Miley Cyrus (I know you are feeling shocked right now, but trust me when I say it is THE BEST she has ever made). Her video was, not surprisingly, quite trashy, but thankfully there are good people on the internets who upload lyric videos that I can post to my blog in good conscience.
Enjoy 'Adore You', and have a wonderfully sweet and Pinkie Pie approved Valentine's Day.
-Argentia Krystofel
Friday, February 7, 2014
Dissolution
Swallow it, because it's all that is
The taste of paper in our mouths
The pale white sun, like your skin
When you can't stomach any food
Rivers flow, reasonless, across the face of this earth
It will not mean anything to you
Your bleached irises scanning this place
Will not detect a single fault
The wind tastes like the seaside
White foam and black waves
Are you the result of that darkness
Tumbling and tearing far-away worlds apart?
The taste of snowflakes on your tongue
They fall aimlessly from the sky
First captured by delicate lips
Finally digested by saliva
Perhaps your heart beats harder
When words are whispered like a wish
But to me it is like silent cursing
Dread coursing through my veins
The sunset is like your dying youth
Slowly slipping behind black sillhouttes
The sky grows empty and meaningless
Angry wind whips clothes against flesh
Bleached world, coursing rivers, darkness
Bitter snow, fatal words, death and anger
Even if there were a single place left,
It will disappear eventually, you know
-Argentia Krystofel
The taste of paper in our mouths
The pale white sun, like your skin
When you can't stomach any food
Rivers flow, reasonless, across the face of this earth
It will not mean anything to you
Your bleached irises scanning this place
Will not detect a single fault
The wind tastes like the seaside
White foam and black waves
Are you the result of that darkness
Tumbling and tearing far-away worlds apart?
The taste of snowflakes on your tongue
They fall aimlessly from the sky
First captured by delicate lips
Finally digested by saliva
Perhaps your heart beats harder
When words are whispered like a wish
But to me it is like silent cursing
Dread coursing through my veins
The sunset is like your dying youth
Slowly slipping behind black sillhouttes
The sky grows empty and meaningless
Angry wind whips clothes against flesh
Bleached world, coursing rivers, darkness
Bitter snow, fatal words, death and anger
Even if there were a single place left,
It will disappear eventually, you know
-Argentia Krystofel
Monday, January 20, 2014
You're Beautiful Episode 5 comments
I was watching 'You're Beautiful' alone, so I didn't have anyone to talk to while I watched. I decided to get my comments and frustrations out through typing on this blog. I decided to publish the comments-next time, I'll actually list the time in the episode that I made the comment so it makes more sense. XD
Why can't the wonderful nice guy get the girl? Shinwoooo~~~ ㅜㅜ
Oh, so apprently every single guy that has anaphylaxia is rich, handsome, and it has to do with shellfish of some kind. He also coughs a lot and then recovers (okay, so Micky Yoochun is an exeption-that was some pretty realistic anaphylactic shock he had going on there. XD)
Oh, so Korean men don't like asking for directions either?
Ok, I do support this-he finally smiles and then she falls. Good call. Very good call girl.
Shinwoooooo~~~you lost out *cries*
Poor Jeremy. Now his lostness is finally getting funny.
Then there's Shinwoo, with his mug. At a table. With his hair. And his sad, searching puppy eyes...and....GAHHHHH....
Did Shinwoo just say 'keu yeoja param (wind) manaseo (met)? to mean 'she stood me up? if so that is an awesome expression!
Shinwoo-mysterious moodiness strikes again.
That's it, Shinwoo. Avoid her gaze, then pout when she picks TaeKyung. What a little pouting boy you are right now..."she doesn't get it, my intuitive hints, my cute puppy eyes..." Give up. the writers have doomed you to this.
Go Minam! The casual "ah-ah...mugeopda" should get him to carry stuff for you. All that aegyo, girl.
Shinwoo in the corner...moody again. Should've tried talking to her playfully? Should've been meaner? Should've looked like a bad boy? Oh, it hurts too much-SHINWOO THIS ISN'T FAIR ANYMORE.
Oh, Minam. Shock yourself with the tazer. Good work.
Why can't the wonderful nice guy get the girl? Shinwoooo~~~ ㅜㅜ
Oh, so apprently every single guy that has anaphylaxia is rich, handsome, and it has to do with shellfish of some kind. He also coughs a lot and then recovers (okay, so Micky Yoochun is an exeption-that was some pretty realistic anaphylactic shock he had going on there. XD)
Oh, so Korean men don't like asking for directions either?
Ok, I do support this-he finally smiles and then she falls. Good call. Very good call girl.
Shinwoooooo~~~you lost out *cries*
Poor Jeremy. Now his lostness is finally getting funny.
Then there's Shinwoo, with his mug. At a table. With his hair. And his sad, searching puppy eyes...and....GAHHHHH....
Did Shinwoo just say 'keu yeoja param (wind) manaseo (met)? to mean 'she stood me up? if so that is an awesome expression!
Shinwoo-mysterious moodiness strikes again.
That's it, Shinwoo. Avoid her gaze, then pout when she picks TaeKyung. What a little pouting boy you are right now..."she doesn't get it, my intuitive hints, my cute puppy eyes..." Give up. the writers have doomed you to this.
Go Minam! The casual "ah-ah...mugeopda" should get him to carry stuff for you. All that aegyo, girl.
Shinwoo in the corner...moody again. Should've tried talking to her playfully? Should've been meaner? Should've looked like a bad boy? Oh, it hurts too much-SHINWOO THIS ISN'T FAIR ANYMORE.
Oh, Minam. Shock yourself with the tazer. Good work.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Hurt Pt. 2 (ChunHee)
It's moments like these when I miss someone or some feeling, but I can't describe it fully.
So I put it on paper, then erase it, then write it again, then erase it, turning away from the page with fear that my message will be misunderstood, or misguided, or misread.
Fearing that the wrong eyes or ears might see and know my complex feelings. Fearing that vulnerability.
I try to hide it, then try to show it, then try to hide it again. I hope that someone might see it in my eyes, or hear it in my voice, but I wish so greatly that I won't have to show my heart to anybody but that one select person, so I don't know how to behave.
I don't want everyone to know what I'm thinking or feeling.
But I want someone to know.
-Park ChunHee
Once again I'm writing from ChunHee's perspective, perhaps with some of my own emotions sprinkled in. Honestly, of all of the characters in The Summer Colors of You, I feel that ChunHee's moods match my own quite frequently, but at a lower intensity, of course (I'm not suicidal, obviously). I think that the way he expresses his feelings really matches with mine; rather than talk about it, he goes and locks himself up in the bathroom and refuses to speak to anyone. I think this is one of ChunHee's parts that most accurately describes my own feelings. You don't know it, but even this short paragraph has been erased and rewritten more times than I can count.
-Argentia Krystofel
So I put it on paper, then erase it, then write it again, then erase it, turning away from the page with fear that my message will be misunderstood, or misguided, or misread.
Fearing that the wrong eyes or ears might see and know my complex feelings. Fearing that vulnerability.
I try to hide it, then try to show it, then try to hide it again. I hope that someone might see it in my eyes, or hear it in my voice, but I wish so greatly that I won't have to show my heart to anybody but that one select person, so I don't know how to behave.
I don't want everyone to know what I'm thinking or feeling.
But I want someone to know.
-Park ChunHee
Once again I'm writing from ChunHee's perspective, perhaps with some of my own emotions sprinkled in. Honestly, of all of the characters in The Summer Colors of You, I feel that ChunHee's moods match my own quite frequently, but at a lower intensity, of course (I'm not suicidal, obviously). I think that the way he expresses his feelings really matches with mine; rather than talk about it, he goes and locks himself up in the bathroom and refuses to speak to anyone. I think this is one of ChunHee's parts that most accurately describes my own feelings. You don't know it, but even this short paragraph has been erased and rewritten more times than I can count.
-Argentia Krystofel
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