Tuesday, October 28, 2014

To The Ghost

This is to you, the ghost.
Yes, I said you, oh ghost. This is to you, who has haunted me with your precious, childlike face; warm and quiet, drifting about in my memory like the sea foam which floats in and out from the shore.
This is to you, and your gentle eyes, blinking, crying, sighing, searching, yearning, loving, laughing, and burning, and so, so, so incredibly alive. This is to you, and your soft mouth, held tight, then trembling slightly, then opening in a cry for that which you so desperately seek to find.
Yes, this is to you, searcher. This is to you, dreamer. This is to you, lost, angry, sad, confused, uncertain child, covered in a blanket for a body, which hides you from the eminent storms around you.
This is to you, who was truly something. This is to your intangible form, kissed by mist, drifting through the darkness, searching for that place again. This is to the perpetual smile plastered on that doll-like face, when basted in rouge and lined in coal black, and the twin beacons of light which reach out across the horizon and grace everything they settle upon with a feeling of wonder.
Yes, this is to the ghost, who alone has lived and grown. The ghost, who, adapting to that loneliness, continues to burrow deeply into his soul, hiding away in fear. To the ghost, who, seeing the light, reaches out, and whose fingertips only meet the chill steel of his self-made prison. The ghost who watches from deep inside, flickering like a dying flame in his dark eyes.
Please don't give up.

I know you have no guidance. You're alone. You're not sure what the future holds.
Ghost, it's all valuable; your idealism, your youth, your starry skies. Don't allow yourself to be packed up in a box and slipped into a dark corner, never to be heard or recognized again. It won't end well.
Don't ever let him forget that you are a part of him.
Don't ever settle for being just a ghost.

-The Hopeful Believer

Saturday, October 25, 2014


He smiled at me with his eyes
His mouth opened to explain
"I wish it could be that no one cries,"
Especially you?

He said things he really meant
His face changed with time
"You know, these days I feel really spent,"
Especially with me?

He tried and found a way to fly
His eyes were those dark bright ones
"I would value it if you would at least try,"
Especially for you?

-Argentia Krystofel

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

In Which I Miss Home

I miss home more today than I did on any of my Seoul adventures. I can't focus much these days and I have frequent headaches, which is started to become very frustrating. I'm bad at time management, and so I drew up a schedule yesterday....watch me ruin that schedule today by sleeping in this morning.
So right now I'm drinking coffee-yes, coffee at 4 PM because I am developing caffeine addiction. :( I'm going to try to go off of it soon, but if I miss it in the morning I have a migraine all day (probably the source of the frequent headaches). Sure enough, now that I have my coffee fix, my migraine is subsiding. I would rather have a glass of wine every evening than a cup of coffee every morning, but I happen to live in the country with the most convoluted drug and alcohol laws known to man.
Anyway, I miss home. I miss eating mom's food, sitting around and talking with them in person, and doing other things like baking and crafts with the kids. I'm not a very good older sister and hardly regular in when I spend time with them, but having been away for this long I am definitely feeling it. 
I miss baking at home. In fact, I'm starting to believe it is college students, children, and the elderly who keep holidays alive, mostly because all three of us like unhealthy home cooked sweets.
Actually I just want to try out some new rice flour recipes without having to go to the store and find small sizes of everything-I mean, where do you get an 'individual size' jar of cocoa powder? *raises eyebrow*
I also miss being able to walk around my house in whatever and not feel judged. Or even embarrassed. I'm not so brazen as to run around half naked in my house with three brothers, but I can still wear a gown and not feel scandalous. It's kind of hard to go get water from the common areas in the middle of the night in a gown here. It's actually impossible. =P So I must prepare by getting all that I will need *before* my shower. Wait, me prepare something? Are you crazy?
I also want to finish my game of Civilization III with my brother, and I would actually like to get caught up on Legend of Korra so I can talk with my other brother about that (and hopefully not insult his favorite TV show, as I've been known to do in the past).
Not to mention my youngest two siblings. Simon and Lillian can be annoying sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I love doing things with them. Simon is a little judgmental and he is definitely an old man in a child's body, but he knows more about animals than I would ever dream of knowing and he has his own creative side in regards to him. Even more interesting about him is that he has an adventurous side-take him where the animals are, it doesn't matter how far he must go to get there! This has caused him to develop and interest in Alaska and Australia. Lillian talks way too much and she can be overly emotional, but she's so creative and the most positive person I know. She also has an interest in things from Asia, so we can wreak havoc in our household meals with that common obsession. XD I also want to do makeovers with her again. And I wish I could do something fun with Simon, despite the fact that when I left for college he said 'good riddance'. ;)
Personally I've been suffering through something else since I came here, too. This blog is not so anonymous that I want to specifically put the details out here, but I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and total indecision. The worst part is nothing can actually be done about the issue now, or even in the near future. I'm just worrying and wishing and wondering for no reason at all except that it upsets me! Ah, the typical me behavior-a bump on a log with too much time to think and nothing at all to be done. I definitely have myself to blame for this paradoxical thought process; rather than getting out, or studying, reading a book, writing, drawing, anything else, I just choose to listen to music, stare at walls, and think. And think, think, think. This could be my idealism, but it seems like when I am at home I tend to, either by choice or by my mother's prodding, be more focused on dealing with things that upset me. I think I'm depressed, the environment being new and all, and so I'm not sure what to do with myself.
I recently noticed I have this habit-at home if I felt distressed or indecisive, or I was over-thinking something, I would go on a walk-the park or the factory down the street, or to Walmart.
When I was in Seoul, if I felt that way, I would just go to the Han River, or take a walk down Yonsei-ro. I'm not kidding; I did the same thing there as here; finding a place to go and going there is my therapy.
But I haven't found a nice place or way to do that here. :/
Anyway, I have digressed and now need to do readings. Overall I know I'll be alright; I just need some better time management, to halt my paradoxical thought process over something I cannot change, and to turn all of that energy into something productive.

So off I will go, still missing home but trying to make do with what I have.


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Good and Bad of Recently (and U.Va in general)

Mostly small and insignificant annoyances and delights that I've encountered while studying here.

So annoying I want to pull out my hair:

1. I hate jeggings/leggings/yoga pants by themselves. I have seen enough butt here to account for a lifetime of butts.
2. I'm learning in Linguistics about language change and how it occurs.
My hunch is that in 100 years, f****** is going to find it's place after the word 'a' in statements like "Oh my gosh, you have such a cute cat!" But of course, that's just a guess, I mean, it's not like I don't have the total change of what counts as appropriate language in the last twenty years as an example, NOOOOOOO (so that's slightly exaggerated-I actually do believe, however, that f*** will eventually lose it's highly negative connotations and become something like "that sucks", which used to have sexual connotations but is now said by seven-year-olds).
3. (from August) I hate short shorts, or as I will now call them, butt shorts. Ladies. As I walk up the stairs behind you, I can see the cheeks of your sweaty, dirty, summertime butts. I don't want to see a stinky butt and then your face and while thanking you for holding the door open for me, all I can think about is your gross butt. Put some real pants on.
4. (from Saturday) Parties are so dumb. Last night I saw three people grinding on each other drunkenly in the parking lot below us, and a woman behind them was throwing her arms out screaming 'I'm a starrrrrr~~~!!!' at the top of her lungs. If you are one of these random drunken people who did this last night and are reading this post, first- wow, I'm surprised you remember it, and second- wow, I'm really sorry you have to remember doing something that inane.
5. I don't understand overly dramatic people.
6. I hate wearing gym clothes all of the time and I'm in rejection of it until I get sick. Seriously, if I wore gym pants to class I would want a mask to cover my face.
7. Sometimes, I wish social issues like race and religion would disappear. They make being an adult too difficult.
8. There is nothing like the feeling of waking up without enough sleep and then not getting your coffee. Caffeine addiction is real and miserable, and it gives you a migraine.
9. Charlottesville doesn't have good public transportation, honestly. Seoul was better (said for the 4 millionth time, because they insist that I am not allowed to say this about things, since I "don't really know that about Seoul". I guess cumulative days on the subway and bus do not count).
10. Do not pack for college/university like you are packing for a foreign country or airplane. You may have everything you need, but everything you want will elude you.

Make me happy enough to go around grounds smiling like an idiot:

1. I have fallen in love with the historical aspect of this university and love all of the old buildings and the beautiful Lawn and Range.
2. I think I will survive through getting my Linguistics degree (maybe)!
3. Shea House is full of so many interesting people. I approve of this mix of interesting.
4. My Astronomy class is kind of kicking my butt, but I don't dislike our professor so that's okay.
5. I really like coffee now.
6. The autumn colors and leaves are so pretty. The crisp air, the bright sun...the chilly evening, with pouring rain...the weather here is just lovely, but I particularly like the rainy evenings. I often wish I had somewhere to go on the rainy evening, but that would mean I need to get a social life, and as I am just trying to get adjusted and make good grades, I think I'll take that slowly.
7. I liked the quietness of Reading Days and will appreciate the next one.
8. I actually feel artistically inspired these days which is a bit disturbing, since I don't think of myself as an artist and don't expect to pursue art at all. But there are so many creative people here, I almost feel like I'm pretending to be creative and being a copycat! O.o
9. Watching Korean drama is actually the single most relaxing and exciting thing I do these days. When I get the chance to watch a little Mary Stayed Out All Night...ahhh that's nice. Just me alone in my room all scrunched up in a ball doing nothing. <3>
10. Watching people here can be one of the most enjoyable things ever next to Korean dramas . Today I saw this sweet Japanese couple walking together at Barracks Shopping Mall. I think they were married because I saw a ring on her finger, but anyway, she was admiring some clothes in a boutique storefront and he clearly began to pick on her about wanting them, nudging her repeatedly. Soon it became a game to him as she continued to react, and eventually hit him, at which point he burst into laughter. She soon joined in and they entered the store in giggles. It was so adorable.

And that's recently.

-Argentia Krystofel

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Gray Days

Tears put to waste pretty makeup
So I shan't cry again today, not today
But my heart will ache
Deep in my chest, it hurts for no reason

Today is another dreary day, just clouds
Always prepared, ready for rain, or chill
Not for you again
Next time it's cold, don't go outside

When waking up from this gray dream
Silent window reflections, kept in boxes
Hidden away, let's stop
What has happened is too much to erase now.

"어느새 날 잡지 않은 너의 두 손은
텅 빈 주머니 속에 고이 묻힌 채
나를 바라보며 웃던 너의 모습도
이제 낡은 내 지갑 속 낡은 사진 속"

"One day you stopped holding onto me
And your two hands are buried deep in your empty pockets
Even your face that used to smile at me
Is only an old photograph in my old wallet"
---"Hands in the Pocket", Dr. Gong's Orgel

-Argentia Krystofel