Saturday, December 31, 2011

I'm Dreaming Tonight...

I do begin to wonder quietly to myself right now...
I try not to mention it aloud
But it's bothering me so, without a doubt
I'm left here asking questions in the back of my mind

Nothing can even explain this feeling
Words cannot measure up
I don't even know what it is
I don't quite know what I'm dealing with

I'm seeing those hazy images in my mind
Made alive as soon as I closed my eyes
The words that were said, I hear them
I keep convincing myself otherwise...

The sun rising early, the palest glow
The dreams I was sharing so carelessly
Glorious colors are fading to gray now
Places in the back of my mind, and lastly

Streetlights, softly warm and bright
I've always loved them more than anything
I would go out just to see them tonight
Just to dream about tomorrow


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

This song is just beautiful. Beautiful, but sad. Why is it sad? Because though 'I can try to fix you', the 'I' here will never succeed. He will never 'fix' the broken individual he is singing to. Only God can do that. Only He can come and take someone's stone cold heart and make it into a heart of flesh. Only He can turn that person to Him and make them a new man. Only He can 'fix' a broken person.
 I like to take this song and sometimes when I'm feeling down, I change the lyrics to 'And I will fix you'; because that is exactly what He will do. Rather than thinking of it in a sense of relying on another sinful man to guide me out of the dark tunnel, and to make me into a whole person, I rely upon God to do this.

 The first two lines of this song also remind me of people. Not just a particular individual or individuals, but just people. They're all like this-we've all gotten what we wanted but not what we needed at some point or another, and we've all lost something (or someone) that we can't replace.

 Just a lot of stuff to think on...


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Christmas Day!

Well, my Christmas Day went much like my Christmas Eve-church in the morning with an excellent sermon, then time spent with friends giving the few gifts that didn't get delivered the day before, then off to my grandparent's house.
 There, we had an absolutely fantastic dinner and a lovely evening spent lazing around after opening gifts.
 I had really...odd dreams that night. >.<
 Then, I spent all of Monday either reading or writing on my computer (no internet access...ugh...)
 I came home to find some not-so-nice stuff had erupted for a friend-without mentioning names, I ask that you keep the whole family in prayer that they would be safe.
 So I talked to her for a long, long time. Before crashing into bed, I wrote in my journal for a long while, but, my writing was not Christmas-related, actually. I have the nasty habit of never writing about what actually has happened, or what is relevant, or what is really something anyone else would probably be mentioning.
 This morning I woke up totally thankful...for a lot of things. xD
 I read my Bible first. Nearly all of the last three chapters of Job. Then I delved into my last entry to see *exactly* what I had written whilst sleep-deprived and somewhat confusilated.
 Sometimes, I wonder if I even have all of my brain cells...or something. >.>

Aaaaat any rate, I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, and that the festivities will continue till Epiphany. We try to celebrate the 12 days of Christmas, but...I'm not sure if that will happen this year or not. xD


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Eve...

Hello, everyone!!! I am just taking a break from all of the festivities to post here and say that today was AWESOME! :) I had a lovely time at my church with all of my dear friends, some old, some new, all loved very, very much, and have now opened all of my gifts and stared at all of them for forever and felt oh-so-special. ^///^
 I am, right now, taking sips of caramel hot chocolate with whipped cream on top out of a mug I received, while reading a book I received, while using the wireless mouse my mother gave me!!!!  You people are crazy with giving gifts!!! O.o :P No, seriously, thanks EVERYONE. Everything you give me is much appreciated, even if it's just a smile when I'm down or a smack when I'm being stupid, or a hug when we're both either sad or happy. :) I love you people. (and, no, Hannah...those socks aren't keeping me warm quite yet, but they definitely will be eventually...when I get up the courage to take them out of the back, the irresistibly cute things!)

 I hope everyone is having a good Christmas Eve (or Christmas morning...depends upon where you are, folks!) and I hope you remember what a gift God gave when He sent His Son to earth, born in a lowly manger, to live the life of a man and finally die upon the cross to save us from our sins. I hope you remember what a sacrifice that truly was, for the great God of all creation, the King of kings and Lord of lords, to come and live amongst us, and die for us. Please, remember to keep thanking Him for this wonderful gift!!! People so often say-yes, I realize Jesus is the reason for the season. But do they really, really, really believe this? Sometimes, I have to keep myself in check when I zone out during church or don't stop to thank Him for His many blessings.

 Just a quick update to let you know I am having a GREAT Christmas and I hope you are, too, whoever and wherever you are!!! :)


P.S. Disappearing as I head down to grandparent's house tomorrow for Christmas Day...and probably spending the night. ^.^

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Characters Whom I Love...

You're great. When I get lonely, I open up either Lineage, or my NaNo, and there you are. Waiting for me. I can read over you, or write a little more, and then sometimes find some poor, hopeless individual to ramble on and on about you guys to.
 My characters in my NaNo are terribly special to me. They went through November with me- took rants, one night when I practically beat the keyboard to oblivion in frustration, and the awful tendency of mine to make the typo of writing heard as heart.
 They're actually probably not my best. My favorite characters to write are males, but I have the creeping, sneaking, awful feeling that I am terrible at it in the same way that some people think they can sing but are totally tone-deaf. >.<
 Valentijn is just so quiet, and Riagan isn't. I have to switch between the two and wow, is it difficult, but worth it. I'm learning more and more about who Riagan really is, and it's amazing and exciting at the same time!
 I don't know if I'll ever finish writing the novel I've cooked up here, but if I do, it's going to be a lot of fun.

 So, today has been a day for dark poems and writing; in other words, it was sorta rough. I pulled up the NaNo and though still rather typo and error ridden, with many a redundant moment and some things that just don't make sense, I have this appreciation for the writing that went on during that time. It was a great month, great happiness, a few hardships, lack of sleep, mood-swings, and all. I feel so overwhelmed by that November that I can barely describe it all!
 Since it's getting late, I probably need to go. But I had to ramble just a little about November even though December is nearly over. December has been...interesting. Quiet, but interesting. I haven't disliked it, I just can't understand it. :P

 -Argentia Krystofel


Take a deep breath of the icy cold air, then watch it fog as you exhale. Your confused thoughts begin to settle as you stare up at the night sky; stars dimmed by the bright city lights, yet you know they are there. Peer up at the sky and try hard to see one peeking out from the immense blackness.
 The city has not yet quieted, even at this hour of the night, and you wish your coat were just a little warmer. You shove your gloved hands tighter into your pockets, but it does no good, they're already as warm as they're going to get.
 You're as warm as you're going to get.
 Yet your heart is still so cold.

 You take steps forward, trying to rid the thoughts that come charging into your mind, but it does no good.

 Your heart is cold.
 Cold as the freezing night.
 And you can't decide if you like it that way, or not.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Short Story (Character Study)

Been terribly obsessed with writing these little short stories lately to study different character types. I've already got one half-written about the mysterious character K. He's really not all that mysterious, lol. 
 The male character's hobby is cars. Fast cars. Driving fast cars fast. >.<
 It's so choppy, but he's a choppy sort-of guy, so... :P
 The female character was used as a 'medium' so to speak. She's just there for her opinions on the personality of the driver is the real focus here. 

She grabbed the seat tightly. As expected, he drove fast. She kept glancing quickly at the speedometer and then at the cars around, making sure he wasn't about to hit someone. Taking a few deep breaths, she tried to pay attention to his incessant chatter.
“He's probably at his studio. I'd say he's in the middle of something, though I can't say what that might be, and he probably doesn't want to talk. Also, he might not want me to tell you this, so don't mention it, but he's on a lower than usual dosage of his anxiolytic, so he might be more hyper and a tad irritable, though there's normally no noticeable outward change in him.”
She went through that answer a couple of times, wondering if this fast-paced, intense risk taker even noticed enough of the deep-thinking, reclusive interior designer to know what his mood really was.
They veered to the right suddenly, him biting his lip, yet grinning as he maneuvered traffic.
“As I was saying, stupid drivers, there's probably some reason he's not been answering his phone for the past two days. If he got dumped by his girlfriend I'll be really surprised, though it might be sure you wanna stop by?”
She took a deep breath, “Well, if I don't die getting there.... How do you feel about it?”
“Me? I don't care what mood he's in. He's himself.” He flashed her a smile, and she returned it weakly, deciding that staring at her hands was the only way to keep from telling him how he was supposed to drive a car, and she knew that wasn't something he would take lightly.
His ringed fingers caught the light, glittering as the gripped the steering wheel tightly.
“You should really try getting to know people here in LA,” he announced, “other than us. We're K's friends, and as you noticed, he's pretty weird. It takes one to know one, sooooo...” He shrugged, “you might be dealing with a few that should be admitted,” He paused, “I can get out of hand sometimes, too, you know.” He winked, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief.
She shrugged, giving him an incredulous glance.
“I doubt you can be troublesome enough that you'll bother me. Besides, I've only been here for a week and I'm not going to university here, so it's a little hard to make any acquaintances anywhere other than K's studio and my part time job at the restaurant down the street. Since K only has two other employees, that leaves me a little lost there, and at my job, well, there's only a few people who don't act super-snobby with me, so...”
“Have you thought about going to a few parties? Surely you've been invited to some.”
“Not a party person...”
“Blind dates are easy ways to meet people, too...”
She shot him a doubtful look. He grinned, lifting his fingers on the wheel as he shrugged, rings glaring in the sunlight, “I told you I was hard to handle, don't look at me like that.”
At that she couldn't help but let a chuckle escape her lips.

 And that's all! I'm starting to wish my one story character, Riagan, was just a tad more like this guy. He's very easy to write with his impulsive nature, wherein Riagan is not. Riagan's impulsiveness just hasn't worked.
 Oh, well, I guess it's not too late to work with the character and make peace with him. We've been at war since about November 5th, hahahaha.

Fighting with fictional characters,

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Last year today...

Crystal clear skies
And pale, hollow sunlight

It's December 12th...I'm sitting in front of my computer with a cup of chai tea, sipping it lazily, watching a good show that finally has English subtitles.
I'm doing nothing in particular as I dream of the snow that I wish would fall before Christmas. It rarely ever does; I only remember one truly white Christmas in this town.
I'm wasting time by being envious of people elsewhere who have had it snow already. Our seasons are somewhat more unpredictable.
 It was around this time a year ago that some friends came to our house to make truffles; my mom's special Christmas treats that she somehow manages to get talked into doing at least once a year. Normally, it's a result of me, being the chocoholic that I am. But on this particular day, I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I was quite distraught, with all of my shyness, as to what exactly I was going to talk about with these people.
 I guess it's the way the sunlight streams into our kitchen this afternoon that makes me think of it. I remember everything so clearly, even though it was a year ago! It was a really interesting day.
 I can't say the same for today. Though I feel like it's a day where I should be up, going places, doing things, I feel like staying right here and not doing anything. I finished the episode. Now I've gone on to writing a post and editing a novel.
 I haven't touched the novel I wrote last year. I probably need to.
 I was watching D.Gray-man this time last year. I sort-of want to go watch D.Gray-man again, just because I can. XD Right now, I'm watching a lot of K-dramas, though, and hoping to finish Durarara!! at some point.
 I'm surprised that last year I was so oblivious to what was going on around me, and that this year things are so much different. ^.^;
 I'll probably go do laundry later and clean my room...which has returned to it's passtime of looking like a dump. >.>
 *sigh* It's an apathetic Monday.


Monday, December 12, 2011

"We also cry..."

"We also cry once in a while, and there are also people that think that our tears and feelings are all lies, but at these times I can really tell if these tears are real or fake."


Saturday, December 10, 2011

7 Months Ago

I still watch the same films
And I still read books of the same genres
I still have the same whims
And a strange fascination with commas

But my thoughts are somewhere beyond
It's farther than you would have imagined
But close to me as if joined by a great bond
A world that you would never have fathomed

You're probably thinking all of these things
That don't apply to me right now
But I am thinking about you, though sadness it brings
And I am simply wondering exactly how

You perceive me now; I guess I shouldn't worry
Insignificant, after all, I speak no more
Neither do I hear, see, or care, so you won't feel sorry
But they don't hear me, either, I know for sure

My voice is a quiet whisper among the masses
Do you think we could be friends now?
Now that I don't gaze through tinted glasses
Now that I see the whole picture in front

I've been thinking of you a lot today
And yesterday, and the day before that, it's always here
The thoughts of you and your funny way
Of making me feel frustrated yet happy whenever you were near

For a while there, I wanted you to know
The pain in someone else's eyes
Drove me to changing into this, just to show
Those silent moments I asked "who cries?"

The summer days were warm and humid
It rained nearly all the time, as if the sky knew
The way that we had all been somehow wounded
By the days that had worn us through

But by now, I'm doing okay, actually, better
I might have changed just a little
As I sit here, I compose a short, simple letter
And you can see into my world now.

The time since the last picture of you and I
Has been nearly filled, yet I worry
And I still miss you a little, and I ask why
You came into my life and left just as quickly?

I don't want to be left without words.


Friday, December 9, 2011

Then I thought about it...

"...I’ve been nervous and worried under the pressure that I had to please people.”

 It happens to be the first day in a while that I can connect my thoughts enough to really *understand* what sentences and situations actually mean to me, rather than just sort-of nodding my head and going on, so please expect more writing. >.< I've got about fifteen drafts of blog posts that I haven't published yet haven't deleted, and I'm not sure why, but maybe they will eventually see the light of day. I still feel a bit confused when I try to sit down and write, and focusing is hard, but, I'm doing much better compared to last Wednesday. What's better, I can breathe! XD
 The above sentence in italics inspired the thoughts that follow.


 Although I am tempted to expect a person who is older than me to immediately be able to take care of themselves and to understand what their intentions, motivations, aspirations and emotions are, I'm slowly starting to realize that sometimes, adults don't always realize what they want, either. It's not just a thing that we 'teenagers' 'young adults' or whatever, who are stuck in between, suffer from. Adults are also sometimes trying to figure out what they want and who they are. I'm not the type for philosophy, so I won't go on and on about searching for self worth or anything like that (I'm a Christian, so my self-worth and the point of my life is found in Christ-therefore, I don't even worry about those things), but there are times when a person is just confused about everything, including themselves.


 I am inspired to write thoughts upon sentences deemed insignificant by most.
 To me, that one statement means so much, because for one thing, I relate to it so well.^.^

Something else I care to write, but I'm saving it for a few hours...I have lots to do. T.T

 -Argentia Krystofel

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Quiet Stargazing

It's quiet, I feel distant
Deep inside, everything is so loud
But out here, in this instant
It's completely silent, 'cause no ones around

I'm completely alone, watching stars fall
My eyes trace them
Burning in the back of my mind after all
Even after they're gone

I suppose I can't fight it anymore, cause it's here
The site in front of me, the bright lights
The person I was before now is no where near
It's something completely different

Oh, the stars are shining in the dark, deep sky
Lit every night with the sun's last breaths
They shine bravely until morning is nigh
When the sun takes back what it gave

They're beautiful all the same,
God must have known I would like them
Just as when he gave you a name
He knew that I would whisper it in my prayers

So often there is the question of why
Or what exactly I did at what time
I question it all, and then defeated, sigh
It's not my place to do that

It seems somewhat strange, somewhat crazy
Like I'm half of something wonderful
And then half of the reality that is growing hazy
As I blink in the cold, dry, winter air

I wrap my arms tighter about myself
And I look upwards to the heavens
Searching for the silver pieces that show the King's wealth
Cascading thoughts surround me

Little first moment; when was it?
I actually have no idea
You could search forever, yes, never quit
I certainly have done that

And I still can't tell you when
I first saw a star in the sky
And I still can't tell you when
I imagined I'd be where I am

And I still can't tell you when
I first saw the night's darkness
And I still can't tell you when
I'll understand any of this

Writing helps me get stuff off of my mind. I'm amazed if this even makes any sense, considering how I can't really write or make sense of anything concerning letter right now....or words...
 They don't seem to form quite right. And even if they do (like they are right now), I spend a lot of time back-tracking to *just makes sure* I got ever last one in the right place.
 Because it's either really funny or a real pain when you start typing/writing like English is your second language.

 *crazy part of my brain* It is, it is!!! Japanese was your first language! You just don't know it!!!


 (Actually, the chances are higher that *German* would be my first language, since my Dad speaks fluent German, but...I'm pretty darn sure it isn't. It would never explain my grammatical issues, since German has similar grammar to English)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Poem, My Newest Endeavor, and NaNo

On funny note this picture reminds me of my times spent in Florida on vacation in January several years ago. It was fun, I can't say I miss it too much until I saw this picture. The only difference...I think this was taken in L.A. I wish my friends in Cali weren't total nut cases or I'd go over and visit sometime. XD

Place I cannot name
People I don't always know

I'm living here, you're living there

I'm part of a country, of a world of people
It's a feeling in a place of world renown.

Don't be so distant, vague or lukewarm
Do you feel dead inside?

Faces en mass, always grim
Never will I find the courage here

The here-and-now of this world
I'm part of a place, a group I mustn't leave
It's the depth of my soul that's calling out

Don't be so lost, so dark, so hopeless
Do you feel dead inside?

Does the scorn hurt or blind or make you reconsider?
Does it make you wish you were here?

It's...a strange poem. I was mostly rather confused at the moment when I wrote it.

My newest endeavor-To get well. I've got a sinus infection, and I'm warning you-You don't ever want one. >.< Ahem, actually, I have three newest endeavors.
 The first is to get over my sinus infection.
 The second is to actually start learning how to write/read Japanese. Since I've got books for it, I might as well start. But I want to do it with...dedication. With a schedule. 
 The third is to become more daring. More willing to do whatever I must to do whatever I want to do. I can't do things when I'm scared to death to take risks and make mistakes. Maybe I can be afraid, but I need to be willing to take risks, to spite my fear.

 As to Nano-Yeah, I didn't make it this year. When you feel like your sinuses are going to explode and you're running a (low-grade) fever with chills, you won't feel like cranking out 3000 words, either. Still, I feel sad about it because, honestly, I could have done it today. The antibiotics, the sinus rinse, the Nasonex and the lemonade (to drink, not to put in my nose. :P) have made this entire day WAY better than yesterday. With that in mind, I feel bad because NaNo didn't last a day longer. I feel bad that the last day of November, my favorite month, and a good friend's birthday, was spent shirking duties and running amuck trying to get stuff to make me better and to write notes to people I don't know. I don't really *regret* doing those things...I just wish the day had been at least...10 hours longer? :P
 At any rate, my novel is no where near complete, and I still have to write a lot of scenes, but for now I want to edit, because I know what I wrote in the latter part of this month is absolute crap so I need to fix it.
 My male characters talk too much and act like girls, so...ummm...I need to really do something about that.
 The good news is I started out well, I still think I started out well, and I know that with that I can edit and make this amazing! ^.^

Onward to make up for two days of missed History, Bible, Science, Math, and Grammar, and three missed days of Geography. I get the feeling I'll be doing school on Saturday...don't you?