Frustrations thanks to my language studies. A long overdue timeline of my journey and details of my current (unmotivated) situation below.
I've been studying Korean for a long time. I began informally studying when I was sixteen. I wanted to learn the language through watching Korean television and listening to Korean music, with the intent to formally enroll in a class at some point if my interest grew.
As I continued to learn I developed an insatiable thirst for the language. I invested in the Byki learning program from Transparent Language, which focuses on vocabulary through digital flashcards. I brought my vocabulary to over 500 words through Byki and Korean drama. My understanding of grammar was minimal and learned almost entirely through Korean drama. I began watching videos from Talk to Me In Korean and gathering further understanding of grammar from these, but I did not study them with dedication as I did not have any desire to communicate or use complex grammar forms. I simply wished to absorb.
I will call this Stage 1 of my language development. It lasted for over a year.
I want to say, as I did the entirety of last year, that this was the best way for me to learn Korean. When I arrived in Seoul in August of 2013 at Hanyang University, I took a placement test and was enrolled in the level just above beginner. I learned how to properly write Korean letters. In an immersive environment, I learned more "how to live" vocabulary and began picking up on grammar. After two weeks of classes for 5 hours a day, I vaguely remember being able to understand more Korean. My recollection is vague because as soon as I returned to the U.S. I returned to studying Spanish for year two level courses. This was such a bad idea because instead of progressing into a stage 2 of learning Korean, I remained in a "limbo" and lost a lot of what I had learned while I was in Korea.
Nope, I don't speak any Spanish now.
Fast forward to June 2014 and I returned to Seoul for a five-week intensive language course in Korean. It wasn't immersive because I tested into a level just above beginner, basically the same level I tested into at Hanyang the year before. The first week was boring, the next four were an enjoyable challenge. Homework was optional. The final exam was not very important because I couldn't transfer my credits anyway. The only requirement was that I come to class every day; otherwise, I would fail the course due to multiple absences.
I learned so much, so quickly. I was extremely happy. I could form short sentences and my huge vocabulary from years ago was coming back and giving me an advantage.
In late August of 2014 I began my first semester at university in the U.S. My first semester I enrolled in beginner Korean, and I was bored for a few weeks, but found the new grammar useful. I could now communicate in short sentences. By the end of the semester I grew more confident in my abilities to communicate with native speakers. I could message my Korean friends and hold a short conversation in Korean. The one thing which got me was assignments; I put off homework and found studying for vocabulary quizzes and lesson exams difficult. I've always been bad at studying due to the woes of being a homeschooler, and I certainly didn't expect to come to this school without learning how to study. But studying in Korean was a chore, submitting homework was a chore. I despised it.
This "Stage 2" lasted until the middle of Spring 2015. Around April, when the crunch for finals and other classes came, I let Korean go even more. I stopped worrying about my grade in the class as other classes dominated my life. Korean itself became a chore. I stopped wanting to even study this language, and I stopped believing I could ever be fluent. For the summer, I didn't even touch a Korean textbook. I spoke English 95% of the time. I think I fell back a lot.
This began Stage 3. This is the stage I am still at, in November 2015.
I can't retain anything...what I do retain is hard to use. Grammatical forms frustrate me. Vocabulary no longer feels applicable (I can't use it every day so I forget it quickly). The Korean speakers I do communicate with on occasion are either fluent in English/semi-fluent in Korean (and will switch back to English for me) or speak a dialect (this has it's own difficulties). I realize, deeply, that I need to be putting in more effort. I need to be exhausting myself for this level of language learning. If I am to become fluent, I must put in twice as much as I am now, if not three times as much. I should be drilling myself, conversing with native speakers at least weekly, and consuming Korean like a dry sponge. I should be using my entire language house conversation time for learning. There is so much I should be doing.
But I have to graduate. This constant conflict between my major and my language is distracting. The fact that language learning is becoming a chore again, like Spanish was. I feel like I'm barely keeping up.
I don't do well with tests. I don't do well with drills. I can't learn with pressure. I like to explore and discover on my own without so many time constraints, without so many requirements. However, I still need the classroom experience. I need to learn the "correct" language. I don't want to stop studying Korean, and at this point in my university life, I can't.
I've worked myself into what I hope is late Stage 3...I spend a lot of time listening and understanding, but I still form baby sentences. In fact, it looks like my sentence formation is regressing. I've taken a teaching class, and though I realize this happens, somehow I forgot to remember how to fix it, and most professors would say it's all about waiting for your brain to catch up anyway.
I wish that I could be spending this time doing what feels natural, allowing my effective filter (hard to put a definition on this one without writing an essay, but basically how much a person can take of negative input until they overload and disassociate) to get higher. I am emotionally intimidated by the thought of speaking or reading aloud. I can write but I must be given time, prompts, a dictionary, and a grammar book.
I would love to give myself time to absorb, to learn at my own pace.
But I also can't do that. I have to pass this class. I have to pass my exams.
Learning won't be fun anymore from this point out. It won't be easy, it will be hard. Call this a fourth-year stress overload. Call it a foreign-language-learning crisis. I just want to get it over with.
The one thing I have realized is that the ESL students I work with are an impressive group. Reaching the level of fluency some of them have is a feat I can only dream of accomplishing. Though I'm suffering right now, I'll value this experience later when I'm teaching. I know what they have been/are going through.
That's all for now.
-A.K.-
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