goals, airplanes, and graduation

I'm about to graduate. This is my last semester at U.Va. Hard to believe, isn't it?

I'm actually applying for a job. Wow. For those that don't know, due to certain circumstances, I'm graduating two years early. Though this isn't exactly an excuse to be unemployed after graduation, I had been hoping to avoid serious employment for a time just so I could spend time with my family. However, other duties and interests in life have called me, and here I am, applying for a job to teach English in Korea.
I thought it would be easy to develop senioritis this coming semester, but I'm keeping it at bay. I want to do my very best this semester...if this is the end, I want it to end with firecrackers and laughing, not quiet resolution that I can't do any better. Every second is one I can count toward further goals in my future.
Actually accomplishing my sixteen year old dream is a lot to wrap my head around, so I try not to think about it or worry too much about it. I blame my fascination with goals on my parents. Tonight, my mom was telling me about her college experience and education,which ended after she graduated and was married to my dad. I don't think she made a bad decision at all, but I agree with her; sometimes it's sad to realize she will never pursue those other dreams and goals related to her interests.
Tonight I learned from her that if there is something I want to do, I should do it without hesitation.  I might try it and hate it, but if I never try it, I will never know. If I never know, I might regret it for the rest of my life, wondering about what could have been.
That's why, at present, I refuse to let anything, including my fears, worries, or lonesomeness, get in the way of living in Korea long term. I've already fallen in love with the country after being there twice, and a return visit will occur either way. I have a lot of doubts, suspicions, and generally ridiculous fears related to living there long term. I need to dispel those. I need to see how far I can take my adventurous spirit; what is the limit of this interest?
I've developed and changed a lot in my time here at U.Va and no doubt I will continue to do so elsewhere. It's hard sometimes to want what I do so badly. It's just living abroad, right? It's not something that should be hard to do. But for some reason, I make it difficult for myself. I have so many feelings, attachments, wanderings, desires, and they bog me down and confuse me. What do I really want? Do I actually want to travel? What if I just do some research? Get my master's degree? How about just finding a nice guy and staying close to home so I can develop a relationship?
It would all be nice. So why does going to Korea tear at me so violently? I'm not kidding. There are few other things I have ever wanted so much. I've had feelings for many a man, and never have I wanted him more than Korea...I've come close, but never jumped off the bridge. I've had interests and deviations, including art, writing, research, and psychology, but none of them has ever fascinated me more than traveling overseas. Quite frankly, I am obsessed with it, and I have no idea why. It is one of those okay obsessions, those things it is alright to say "I don't care about anything else" and just love (wouldn't life be easier if it were acceptable to be that obsessed with a person? Sadly, it seems that is less psychologically healthy).
This has plagued me since I developed the obsession, but it grew worse in the summer of last year, when I started questioning my goals over friendships, romantic feelings, and new interests. Ultimately, my goal won out. I couldn't abandon that which has become a part of myself. I couldn't turn my back on my hopes and dreams. I want it, and with my languid and quiet personality, it is rare for me to want something this much.
Tonight I discovered why. I know with near total certainty that if I never live in Korea, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will think about it, feel sad about it, and quietly desire it. What's the point in that? Yes, I could be disappointed. I could have a terrible experience. But I could also have the best one, beyond my wildest imaginations. So I must know. I can't let it go, I can't stop thinking about it, I can't change myself for someone else's whims or insecurities.

Nothing can stop me, because if I stop, I will regret it for the rest of my life. 

-A.K.-