Enter the annual "I only have a little over a month until my birthday, what am I going to do?!" post. I nearly always seem to have a sort-of 'End of the Year Crisis' that happens to me around September each year. School happens, summer ends, the responsiblities pile up, and it hits me that I'm about to start the journey of another year of life, and I feel like I'm about to burst. I hate to see what my 'Midlife Crisis' is going to look like-or maybe I won't have one, since I've been going through the miniature version for at least 5 years now.
In order to deal with some of my recent difficulties and calm my emotions, I've been trying to stay off of Facebook this week. Sometimes, when you take things out of your life, you can attain a better sense of peace. To be honest, I felt like I wasn't showing a side of myself on Facebook I wanted to-like I wasn't saying what I should or doing what I should. And yes, like everyone else who uses Facebook too much, I was wasting an enourmous amount of time! I'll admit, these days I'm stressed out with school, work, the ACT exams, applying to universities, and the like. Not only that, but there is that gnawing feeling I get whenever I appear in front of people recently.
I keep having one recurring thought that is driving me over the edge (and contributing to the explosive and gnawing feelings I've been having)-
I'm not perfect.
Yep, that's the truth. Not many people are, and if you find one, please let me know. I try to not refer to anyone, no matter how wonderful they are, as perfect. It's wrong, actually. Only Christ is perfect, and it puts a lot of pressure on another person when you say that they are perfect or desire a kind of perfection out of them that suits your interests or expectations.
Trust me, I know. It's like living with a bag of rocks on your back.
The last few months haven't been a simple affair. In fact, I've been through many more experiences than I ever dreamed I would run into at age seventeen. I actually thought 2013 was going to be a boring year, but I was totally wrong.
One thing my experiences have taught me is I'm not perfect. I'm not exactly patient, or kind, or trustworthy, or beautiful. I fail in most areas, actually! But something else my seventeenth year of life has taught me is that
I'm a project, not a finished product.
God isn't done with me yet, and He won't be while I dwell on this earth. Maybe I have faults, and I need to work on that. I need to be sanctified. But that doesn't mean I'm going to play it perfect in front of anyone.
No one has a perfect track record.
Why do we pretend to have one? I'm not saying I'm going to go run out and do sinful things just because I'm not perfect and I'm okay with it. Honestly, my greatest frustrations this year have been that I'm not perfect; I feel like other people are more perfect than me and I need to look good in front of certain individuals so that they will like me more.
But the truth is that they are just as fault-ridden as me, and my guess is that they are also about as desperate for sanctification and reaching the epitomy of perfection as I am.
However.
I wasn't put on this earth to waste away my days wishing I were perfect. I can improve myself, yes, but as a Christian, I can't feel grieved over my imperfections because through God's grace I can now rest assured that my sins have been forgiven. Each and every thing I passionately hate about myself is completely forgiven by God-in fact, it is as if the Father looks at me and sees His Son, the only perfect Man, in my place. Perhaps the people I worry about judging me for my faults really are judging me, but why does it really matter? Maybe they do look at my habits and think "that is soooo gross and horrible", and yes, they are right, but they've got faults too. I don't want to be admired for being fake, I don't want to be admired for rejoicing in my sinfulness. I just want to be known as someone who acknowledged their 'project' status with God and prayed earnestly that He would continue to improve upon them.
Anyway, that's been my biggest trouble recently. I still don't feel comfortable about it, but at least I'm not wacking out any more because I'm not perfect. While I'm on the topic, I totally need a schedule-any schedule, it doesn't matter to me, just something to keep me on track and on top of things! Life recently feels like running the gauntlet more than flying, and I've been trying to overcome those feelings of defeat and incapability with music. My most recent "fighting!" song?
I can't say I completely approve of the video (there are some moments that are too seductive, I think...) but I love the song (I also got all of the pictures of the girls in the powdered dust that I put in this post from the music video-the scene is very pretty and looks like so much fun!)
The lyrics are hopeful, empowering, exciting, and so friendly. It makes me think of all of the wonderful people who have helped me get over the roadblocks (worse than hurdles!) in my seventeenth year.
And, let me be honest with you and say that I absolutely love bright colors and Bohemian-style clothing.
Anyway, those people who read this post receive my sincere thanks-not just for reading through a rant that you may not relate with, but for enduring my imperfections.
Thanks and fighting!
-Argentia
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