So I'm back from Conference. It was very fun!
And I have a question-Should I change the way I spell Royal?
I can spell it Royall or Royale. I really would like to change it, so from those two choices which one do you like best?
Hopefully I can edit this and add the next installment of my story soon. I would really like to have everyone's opinion before that, though...so...
COMMENT AND TELL ME IF YOU ARE THE LEAST BIT STILL INTERESTED!!!!!!!!! *dies of trying to decide* :P
Your comment need not include anything but Royall or Royale. That is all. Maybe I should just do a poll...
EDIT: Alright, so I've waited all night and almost all day. I've written all night and almost all day(not really). You can still give me your opinion. But I am going to go ahead and post the next part of the chapter.
Fantasy-I have edited that first part. I hope to change that last post. Details to find it are below.
IMPORTANT-PLEASE READ-:P That sounds like a warning label. I have added tags to all of my posts recently. To find my story, just type 'story' in at the search bar at the top of my blog page and it will come up.
Alright parts...something, something and something! *Does not remember numbers*
Oh, 4&5! That's right! Whoa, now I need to right more. But I've written all daaaaaayyyyy. Oh, well. On to more as soon as I am back from grandparents. Yes, I am going down again. This time is the last for a while, though.
The passage was cool and damp and a strange white-pink color, like the inside of a cockle shell. The walls were very slippery. The staircase kept going down and down and down. Adrian wondered why Royal had mistaken Starr for an elf. He hoped Orion would fair well with the young friend of Royal’s. He had agreed to take Orion down a path that was firm enough, and hopefully make it to their destination. Adrian’s head felt heavy. Maybe it was the depth and pressure. He had been thinking about Misti so much today, maybe it was making his brain heavy. He seriously believed she could do that to someone sometimes. His thoughts buzzed around so fast and noisily he could not comprehend it all. He felt hazy, like when you have been out in the hot sun for too long.
Suddenly, he slipped on a damp spot of the stair case.
Down, down he kept going. He numbly heard Starr scream. He felt slow, and he just kept going down and down and down. Yet, suddenly his senses went alive. Adrian tried to stop himself, but his hand slipped again.
Yep, Misti had killed him, he thought as he fell. He was certain he felt his bones being broken, but he did not know which. It was all so fast, yet so slow. Rolling over and over himself, flailing madly, the haziness beginning to take hold of him.
CRACK. His head banged a step for what he thought was the millionth time. He felt sleepy and heavier than ever. He felt no pain, and yet he kept going down and down and down into darkness. Everything went black.
***
The most lovely smelling breeze was blowing, and beautiful sunlight was spilling over him. Adrian thought it must be his home in the South, even though he hadn’t opened his eyes yet.
He did, and saw to his astonishment that it was not warm, or beautiful. Instead of being in the home he had thought he would be in, he was laying still and cold at the bottom of something. He lay in total darkness, wondering where he was and why. Then it flooded back.
“I-if I call them. They-should-come.” He gasped, trying to organize his thoughts as immense pain shot all over him. He had felt this before, and knew with dread that he had most likely broken his right arm again. He tried to roll over onto his back, but his bruised body would not let him. So he lay on his side for the longest time, crying silent tears of pain. He never felt that crying was weakness. In fact, he had never come in contact with the theory.
After a while, he managed to muster some strength, and called in a rasping voice.
“Starr?!” It sounded like a whisper in this cave. Then, something soft and far away called out. He tried again.
“Starr! Royal!” A bit better.
“Adrian? Adrian! Is that you? Where are you?”
“Here! At the bottom!”
“Hold on, we’re trying to get there!” Royal called a bit louder than Starr had.
“Yes.” Adrian barely whispered, he was so breathless. He heard footsteps, slowly and cautiously entering. He saw light, and then that they were in a small room, circular, and on the left side of the steps was a door.
Starr bent down, and tried to pull his right arm out from under him, but when sharp pain seared through him, Adrian screamed for her to stop.
“Then what can I do?” Starr asked him, worry creasing her brow.
“Through this door we can get help.” Royal began. “If Master Adrian just lies very still, then we might find some of my family to help him.”
“Well, alright, but you had better know what your doing.” Starr declared, standing up and walking toward the door.
“He knows.” Adrian assured her as the candlelight disappeared.
He was alone in the dark. For now.
***
Gomen nasai for it being so short. The next part still has some wrinkles I am trying to iron out. Hope you enjoyed!
-Autumn
9 comments:
Howdy,
Sorry I have not e-mailed or commented sooner, we got back Monday night so we have not fully gotten settled in.
I am glad you were able to get more of your story done, how you are able to do so much is amazing to me, it has been so much fun reading it and watching the characters develop.
As for Royal's name if you want to change it I would suggest Royale.
Hope you have a great day!
Rebecca Marie
I've tagged you! :)
Rebecca-Hi! That's fine. i figured ya'll wouldn't get back home for a few days.
I thought Royale wa the best, but I don't know. I realised the other day that I spelled it Royale in a comment on Earwen's blog, and I thought-That's a neat way of spelling it. Let's see if it's really a name!
And I didn't want to change it without someone telling me what they thought about it.
Cassie- Thank you! I'll try to get to it as soon as I can.
-Autumn
I suggest Royall if you are going to change it. 'Royale' might be mispronounced by some due tot he e. Not everyone knows phonix very well, and they might pronounce it like 'Roy-yale' Yale as in the college.
As for the story, once again, nice instillation. Sorry I didn't get to speak to you more Sunday. But anyway, I like this part of the chapter.
Once again, I'll make some suggestions about it.
"The passage was cool and damp and a strange white-pink color, like the inside of a cockle shell. The walls were very slippery. The staircase kept going down and down and down." - This reads rather choppy. Try to condense it into fewer sentences. Something like "The pale pink passage was cool and damp. The color reminded Star/Royal of the inside of cockle shell, but couldn't appreciate it fully for she/he was too busy concentrating on keep her/his balance on the slippery staircase, which seemed to endlessly spiral downwards." See how I discribed exactly what you did with fewer sentences and discriptive words? It makes it easier to read, more interesting, and help with the visualization. You have to think about the order of things as you discribe it. Sometimes you can describe a room or object all at once while other times you have to take it section by section, describing each part in enough detail to produce a mental image for the reader without boring or confusing them.
"He hoped Orion would fair well with the young friend of Royal’s." - Nothing particularly wrong with this sentence, but people just don't word things like that these days, so it feels odd to the eye as you read it. "...fair well with Royal's young friend." is more commonly used in speech and writing, so the reader will be able to flow through the sentence without stopping to think "That's odd to me."
"He had agreed to take Orion down a path that was firm enough" - Not sure what you mean bye 'firm enough' here. Clarify it a bit.
"Adrian’s head felt heavy. Maybe it was the depth and pressure. He had been thinking about Misti so much today, maybe it was making his brain heavy. He seriously believed she could do that to someone sometimes. His thoughts buzzed around so fast and noisily he could not comprehend it all. He felt hazy, like when you have been out in the hot sun for too long." - Again, condense into fewer sentences. "Adrian's head felt heavy; (semi-colins are your friend when avoiding run-on sentences! :) ) whether due to the depth and change in air pressure or because he had been thinking about Misti so much that day he wasn't entirely sure. He was convinced she had that affect on certain people. Whatever the reason for his dizziness, the buzzing thoughts in his head were so loud and fast he couldn't comprehend them all. He felt like he was suffering from heat stroke so much that he was having a hard time balancing. He was so distracted he slipped on the slick stairs and fell, tumbling down them out of control..." well, you get the idea... ^_^;
"He numbly heard Starr scream. He felt slow, and he just kept going down and down and down. Yet, suddenly his senses went alive. Adrian tried to stop himself, but his hand slipped again." - "As he continued to fall for what seemed an eternity, he numbly heard Starr screaming. He felt his bones cracking as the rolled down the stairs, and thought he knew he was falling fast it felt like a very long time to him, as if time had stopped. Suddenly, he snapped out of his daze and tried in vain to stop himself, but he couldn't get a grip on either the slippery stairs or walls and continued his agonizing descent." ... I'm not trying to rewrite your story for you. Sorry, sorry, I don't mean to at all! I'm just trying to show you how you can make your sentences flow. Sometimes they can be choppy and seem to jump from one thought to the next even though the thoughts are supposed to be connected. Like I've said before, try reading it out loud to yourself and if you find yourself thinking "Why doesn't this sound just right?" then reword it and make sure the thoughts are connecting/flowing.
"Yep, Misti had killed him, he thought as he fell. He was certain he felt his bones being broken, but he did not know which. It was all so fast, yet so slow. Rolling over and over himself, flailing madly, the haziness beginning to take hold of him.
CRACK. His head banged a step for what he thought was the millionth time. He felt sleepy and heavier than ever. He felt no pain, and yet he kept going down and down and down into darkness. Everything went black." - now following my examples and suggestions above, see if you can re-write these paragraphs to flow better. They sound pretty good, but you can make them sound a lot better, and I'm sure you'll be much happier with them once you've written them a little differently.
"He knows.” Adrian assured her as the candlelight disappeared.
He was alone in the dark. For now.
" - "He was alone in the dark once again."
Again, nice instillation. I suggest reading through it out loud and making sure it sounds right. If it doesn't sound like its flowing, even if you're the only one who thinks so, re-word it. You'll probably have to write and re-write certain sentences (and paragraphs I"m afraid) over and over again, but after many frustrating tries, you'll figure out what sounds best. You're doing a good job, and I'm seeing a bit of improvement as you go. Keep up the good work, and most importantly, enjoy it! If you enjoy what you're writing, then the reader will enjoy reading it, even if you don't have all the commas in the right spot! ;)
(wow, sorry for the ginormous post. ^_^;)
Fantasy-THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! ^.^
I really appreciate it when you give me advice on writing. I tried to change that last part to sound a little better. I'm going to work on this one even more. And I am enjoying it. Sometimes I don't realize it's flowing the wrong way, or I just can't figure out how to make it better. Your input is really helping me improve my writing.
And ginormous comments are very welcome. ^.^
-Autumn
Pretty Good:)!
Confederate-Thank you. Glad you like it.
-Autumn
Post a Comment